A True Conflict

So I left my laptop at home when leaving for university... I have an exam on Friday that I now have to study for in the library, to be able to access all the information I need... Surrounded by people and sounds of clicking and typing and ugh. I don't like it! But I also have other things to talk about, hence this blog post... It's another ranty one (sorry, not sorry) so leave now if not interested.

The last church service I went too (yesterday) has left me more torn and confused than ever. The main message that I got from it was that God has placed dreams and goals on everyone's hearts, in which everything you are should go after them and all that jazz... I've kinda heard it all before, but for some reason it hit me extra hard yesterday and it's making me so incredibly upset.

I've said before how I'm not even sure if studying Wildlife Science is something I should waste three (now four) years of my life doing. I'm almost three quarters of the way now though, so I feel as though I have to keep going to the end. But it's making me bored. Unhappy. But it's also keeping me safe. Safe from a world I could potentially go into, that involves a lot more people watching what I do with less room for mistakes. No hiding in my little room on campus pretending that I know what I'm doing...

Side note: I'll probably be repeating myself from previous blog posts, but it makes it easier for me to write; so y'all can deal.

So my entire life I've always had crazy wild daydreams of me performing songs, or doing covers of them and putting them up on YouTube or things like that. It's always been music based, and the dreams make me happy and passionate. I don't think I've found anything that comes even close to how exhilarated I feel when I imagine myself blasting out a particular song on stage at church, or becoming one of the more well-known YouTube cover artists who people admire and look up too... Knowing that I could make a difference in someone's life through music is something I never thought about until recently, and it actually excites me quite a fair bit.

But here's the catch. I'm my own worst enemy. I am my biggest critic, to the point where I don't like anything I sing anymore. At all. Granted, I haven't been at full health; as well as the fact that I've never had proper training in singing, so I never warm up or treat my voice the way I should. But even when my voice was stronger and better, I never really liked what I did. I was the kid who always wanted a solo at some point, but then hated it when I actually got one; because I would then get nervous and stuff up all the time, and not sound as good as I thought I did in my shower/bedroom on my own.

I had the lead part for my school's musical in my last year there... It was a simple part as a mother and wife, and I got to sing The Call by Regina Spektor. I remember feeling insanely nervous every performance I sang the solo (which was only three times, thank goodness), and I remember one in particular when my throat was incredibly sore... I was so afraid that you could hear it in my voice right before my solo part. Thankfully, the scene was when I had lost my daughter and we were worried about her; so no one in the audience would've noticed. However, I remember throwing [Carl] off, making him temporarily forget his lines when I looked at him with genuine terror.

Not long ago I sang on stage at the church's end of year event for youth, and I remember being just as terrified in that performance. It's not so much having a sore throat that makes it worse, because it's generally me that causes my sore throats by panicking so much. I have no idea how to get over it either! People are always telling me that I have a nice voice, that I sound good, etc. But I always have severe doubts and thoughts that stop me from believing them. My main one is listening to people who are better than me (and there always will be people better than me, so I don't know why I get so affected..?) and just tell myself "what's the point? Why even try when that person is already above anywhere you could ever try to get too".

So, I stay with wildlife... Don't get me wrong, I love animals! They are a smaller passion and love of mine; I absolutely adore them. But when it comes to music? They kind of pale in comparison... But here I am! Two and a half years into a degree that I'm not 100% committed too, which will result in me being absolutely clueless when I actually graduate as to what career I will head into with it...

I just... I still get confused as to what God wants with me. Where He wants me to go, what He wants me to be. Is it music? In which case... Am I ever going to get over all the issues I have related to it? Caused by myself, as well as a few people's comments throughout my life... Or is animals where I belong? Am I wasting time with this degree? Is it worth finishing, so my HECS debt isn't completely for nothing..?
It's not like I can source out singing lessons on the side either, to see if I can maybe train my voice back up to strength and hear what I sound like then... Since I'm at university five days a week, with work and church taking up my weekend; I don't have time to give, nor money as it's all going to uni!

Sorry if this post is confusing, or seemingly pointless. I just really have no idea anymore as to what I'm doing with my life, and it's taking it's toll on my health and outlook on study... I mean, I just had a week of no classes designed purely for study and didn't do it any of those days... My first exam is on Friday, the other two are Monday and Tuesday next week. I have work all day Saturday... It is currently Monday night... I still haven't started! My work ethic is dropping more and more each semester, and it's kinda worrying me; but at the same time, it's still my "safe haven" from the music industry.

I'm just gonna finish there, before I go off on some weird tangent again!

~Is it right, or is it wrong?~

Challenges

Hey hey!

So, it's been a couple of months... To be honest, I didn't realise it had been so long; but then again, I have been quite preoccupied with multiple things and yeah... Time just runs away!

Just gonna get right into it really... Let's go!

Pretty much right after the last post, QPAC announced that The Lion King Musical is coming to Queensland at the end of the year... So I, of course, instantly snatched up another pair of tickets for [K-Dawg] and myself.. O:)

Unfortunately... Not long after that... There was another incident that occurred which involved [K-Dawg] and I's relationship, which involved a woman who isn't a parent of the either of us... But you know! It's behind us now, again, and we're continuing on like the power couple we are. Like seriously... If we were to ever break up in the future, it would have to be over something utterly disastrous; because the things we have been through! Yikes.

Eurovision also just happened! Well, happened recently at least... Which is basically the highlight of my year, every year. It's also just really good to catch up with [Phantomess], [Clearly Unfocused], [GoJo] and [Tenuto Tuo] as I so rarely see them nowadays. But this year was one of my favourites by far! So many good songs for me to listen to on repeat afterward!

Also went to go see the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham recently, which was a pretty good night! A bit too much promoting of products, if I could be completely honest... But I still ended up laughing at Achmed the Dead Terrorist's attacks on Ipswich and the weather in Queensland as a whole. Along with all the other jokes and his puppets!

Other than that I haven't been up to too much really! The MTV video is due this Friday, so things are pretty much wrapped up for that and editing is in the final stages. I actually got to sing in this one! Third time lucky, I suppose? But yeah... I only have four lines out of the whole thing, but it's better than nothing; and I'm happy to finally be able to say I sang in an MTV video at Uni! :P

I've been meeting new people, and getting thrown into plenty of social situations lately; both at university, and within church. Honestly, I'm just uncomfortable and unhappy about it majority of the time. I mean... I'm anti-social! Autistic! People are not for me! I literally had to hold back a laugh at work the other week when someone called me a "people-person". I mean... I can fake it a fair amount of the time, and seem like I like people. But most of the time? It just drains my energy, and makes me feel exhausted. Another example from work showed the polar opposite... They asked me if I hated working there and I said "not really, no". To which they replied "well I'd hate to see you when you do hate it!". Referring to my facial expression... Which was perfectly neutral. I wasn't upset or anything at all. It just so happens that my neutral expression makes me look as though I'm upset, or in deep thought (sometimes); but more often upset.

I can't help it! Yeah, I'm at work and should be serving with a smile; and I was honestly trying, but for some reason I just couldn't switch it on at that exact time. So I got hurt from their comments, but what can I do really?

So anyway... I've really been struggling with everything social lately. /Especially/ at church, where everyone loves to hug each other when they greet each other... I don't want to be a horrible person, but I literally cannot stand it. I don't want to hug people! I don't want to be hugged! But it's the social convention, so what do I do? I cave. I allow it, as much as I feel uncomfortable. Because I don't want to seem rude, or anything else they may consider me to be.
I mean... I can barely hug my own mother. As a now 20-year old, this kills me. When I was younger, I barely noticed that I was unattached as a child and showed so little gratitude and love to my own mother. I am now 20 years old and am still struggling to try and turn things around. I want too, so badly! But it's like there are physical walls stopping me from doing such things. I am making progress though, as slow as it may be! But it's also difficult changing my relationship with my mother who knows what I'm like, and also expects me to turn into the kind of Christian she despises / has hurt her throughout her life. So you know... Makes things quite strained when I'm the only one in my family who attends church, and I can't really come home and talk about too much out of fear that she'll take something the wrong way or whatever...

I've also been struggling lately with the concepts of dreams versus visions.
People at my church are always talking about how they get promises from God and/or visions/pictures/words about their future and/or promises and/or anything! Which makes me relatively jealous and wistful... I'm very new to the religious world, I know that. But in a small matter of time I've been labelled a "princess" and told that He has promises for me that are going to be fulfilled, and my curiosity is at the brink as to what they are! Cause I'm somewhat clueless!

I've always had vivid daydreams of myself doing things my entire life.. I'm sure everyone does it. It's pretty normal. Most of mine have been centered on singing, as it's my passion...
So lately I've been struggling with trying to determine what may be promises from God being sent to me, and what may be just my brain daydreaming away as usual.
I'm the kind of person that sort of needs thing to be obvious... Like. Crazy obvious. Like in my face, there's nothing else it can be, obvious. Which means this whole not knowing thing is driving me crazy! :P
I will eventually seek out help to see if I can get anywhere with this issue, but in the meantime I'm planning on writing up a list of all the dreams I've had; and try to just dwell on them to see if any of them seem like they could be promises, or if they jump out at me and say "hey! I'm it! Pick me!" (which would be preferred to be honest, cause obviousness! :P). But yeah. I'm really just trying to stay focused on finishing this wildlife degree first, before starting to work out where I'm going with the rest of my life and these potential promises I may have.

So I found the 100 Happy Days Challenge on the internet and decided it was worth giving a fair shot. I have really been feeling that my life lacked any essence, or joy, or happiness lately; so I told myself to do this challenge so I can start finding happiness again. Before people comment with "But what about [K-Dawg]? Does he not make you happy?". He does. He does very much so! In fact, he was the only thing giving me happiness in my life before I started the challenge. Which is another reason why I started it. I can't depend on my loved one to provide me with my sole source of happiness. Which is why I set myself a mini challenge within the happy days challenge, to not have a picture involving [K-Dawg] solely providing me with happiness for that day; unless I did nothing else with my day, and I'm trying to limit it to just the one.

It's really hard to do! Particularly when I'm here at uni, and there are so little people left that I know to hang out with. Those that I do know are barely ever here and/or are out and about all the time. Oh, and I'm still anti-social so I barely ever leave my room. Cause ya know, that's just how I work! So I really struggled to find something every day for the first bit. I'm up to the twenties in days now, and it's a bit easier; but I'm still struggling. Mostly because my life is a constant routine at the moment. Monday-Friday - uni. Friday & Saturday night - work. Sunday - church and a little bit of socialising time.
This has caused time spent with [K-Dawg] to become much more limited as well, which initially made my mood decline; due to the fact that he was the only thing making me happy at the time, and I still feel like he is at the moment. But the happy days challenge is making small changes in how I think, so I'm sure by the end I will have a better outlook on everything; even if it's only slightly improved.

That's all I can think of! Again, this has turned more ranty and stuff but eh. I am on a long journey, and it is gonna take possibly even longer before I can completely see life and love through unfogged glasses.

Ciao y'all.

~Waking in the rubble, walking over glass~

Milestones

*Ignores the judging stares as I, again, have taken forever to write another blog post*

Well hello!

So I just came out of the first meeting for this year's MTV video, and I'm pumped, and I'm wanting to write a post.. So here it is! Woo!

I'M NOW BALD! Just to remind y'all who read my blog two posts back, where I said I was raising money for the Leukaemia Foundation and shaving my head for it and everything... Yeah... I've been bald for two weeks now, and I'm nowhere near getting used to it!
I still have the sensation of having hair on my head, so I keep going around thinking I'm perfectly normal; until the multitudes of people stare at me and I remember and start feeling all self conscious. I'm not a fan of it, not gonna lie... It was interesting though, because the shock of having no hair anymore didn't hit me until around a day after the shaving occurred... In the shower (images out of your minds perverts), when I went to wash my hair... By just throwing my head under the water (saving money on shampoo and conditioner is an awesome bonus right now heh), and I almost broke down into tears. So yeah... Newest life adjustment is proving to be interesting... But through all the staring and people mistaking me to be a guy at times, I do have supportive people and comments that I still look good/beautiful/etc so... Thank goodness for those guys, otherwise I'd really be unhappy with my current hairdo right now!

I ended up raising just over $2,000 which is absolutely amazing! I couldn't be happier with that effort. I was also the first person who went for the 0 option when shaving. There were guys there opting for the 1 blade, but I went all the way. First girl who lit the way for the two other girls who did it as well. Can't help but feel accomplished over that ;)

Okay.. Let's back track to anything else that's happened over the last month or so...

I went to my old school to pick me brother up one afternoon and found that it was the most at peace I had ever been since leaving. Why? Because everyone who was involved, in any way, with causing me grief in the past was no longer a student there. I could walk up to the front of the grounds and not be afraid that [Riot!] could walk around the corner at any moment with his friends and I would have to deal with the awkward avoidance from him and the death glares from everyone around him. Regardless of my side of the story, or how I feel about things... I will, most likely, always be despised by them; and it hurts, a lot. I still miss [Riot!] and probably always will. He was in my life for a short period of time, but he was one of my closest friends; even before our relationship began. So it kills me that he thinks of me the way he does, because of the messy break up formed on a lot of misunderstanding and not talking things through... So yeah. It was nice to be able to stand on the grounds and not be paranoid for once. It instead gave me a chance to be nostalgic, which almost resulted in me crying... Would've been a good look, I'm sure :P
I miss my school friends. I mean... School makes it so easy to communicate with each other. You physically see each other day after day, so you talk and have fun. But after school? It's up to you to get in contact with your friends, and we all get lazy at some point or other... The awesome thing with my friends is that, whenever we do catch up it's like nothing has ever really changed. But outside of that? I barely communicate with them... It's not that I don't want too either! It's just awkward, I guess... In the sense that I'm used to talking to them in person, so through social media is weird for me to use to talk to them. Whereas, I have friends I'll communicate with more on social media than I do in person... And I guess that's dependent on how I met them, and/or how far away they live, or whatever...
One thing I've found recently is that.. I'm finding things out about my friends, but not by them directly. I'm finding out through other means. For instance, I found out recently that one of my friends is trans, and wants to be known as that. I get that it's a personal decision that would be difficult to bring up, and I'm not angry for finding out this way.. The thing that makes it difficult with finding out this way is that I then have absolutely no idea how to talk to them about it. Because I want to show support! I want to let that friend know that I love them regardless and want to be there for them... But how do I do that? Say "Hey, I was scrolling through social media and stumbled across this... Go you!" (Or something like that) Ya know... I find things like this hard. But hopefully, when we all catch up soon to watch Eurovision together; I can chat to everyone and let that friend know how I feel and all that jazz... Until then, I'll chill on social media and be as clueless as ever :P

I should move on... Move on to the Sydney trip...

SYDNEY!!!

Omgosh... Words can't even begin to explain this trip, like seriously. [K-Dawg] and I had the time of our lives in just three days, and I am constantly reliving it in my head and wanting to go back. Sydney itself, isn't overly fantastic... I mean, there are better places in the world that I want to get too eventually. But the two of us having complete freedom and fun, getting lost or whatever... Having no care in the world! That's what made it the best trip I have ever had so far.
We arrived and met our roommates at the backpackers we were staying at, who are absolutely amazing people! I would love to meet up with them again in the future! Downside: we can't remember their names... But minor details ;P They were wonderful people who shouted us dinner one night, and shared stories with us; which was comforting to us, as we were staying in a relatively dodgy backpackers... Made us feel safer sleeping at night, that was for sure :P
We had froyo at least twice during the trip... We couldn't help ourselves! But we also spent pretty much all three of the days just walking around different parts of the city. Our legs were absolutely dead by the end of it, but it was worth it. We got through a fair few of the sights and sounds of the city, and had a ball doing it. I also took [K-Dawg] to a games exhibition, where we wasted time playing games from when they first began to the games that are being produced nowadays. Classic Donkey Kong and Pacman... Really bad SingStar... A game that was created just for the exhibition... So many!!!
But the definite highlight of the weekend was the reason why we were there... And that was The Lion King Musical. Again... No words to explain... But it is now, hands down, the number one musical I have ever seen. I'm sorry Wicked, but you have been replaced...
We had the original woman playing Rafiki and she was more amazing live then on the recording... We had a guy debut his musical career as Simba, and he used to be a rugby player... No doubts were needed though, as he was absolutely amazing! Everything and everyone was breathtaking. [K-Dawg] and I were crying multiple times throughout... Out of emotion and laughter! You never knew what to feel because of the constant mood changes. It was so good, but so emotionally taxing haha! Being able to see the percussionists either side playing was awesome, along with animals coming through the audience during some scenes... The only regret I have is not pushing to find the stage door afterwards... But the usher I asked about it seemed hesitant and advised me against it, as well as the company we were with were wanting to have dinner as well... Next time I am definitely not going to leave it though!

... After that weekend, I really haven't up too anything interesting haha. Well, not so much in my eyes anyway ;P
I was mostly working as much as possible to save money to afford Halls fees this year, which is proving to be very difficult... But I'm hoping I can do it!

My mum took me out recently on a girls night to go see The Naked Magicians. ...Which was quite interesting to say the least.
Although, they weren't actually as naked as the title would suggest. In fact, for most of the show they were actually clothed. It wasn't until the last couple of tricks (in an hour long show) that one of the two got naked (you didn't see everything guys, his privates were always covered) and the second only got naked right at the end for the bow pretty much. Granted, it was still a good show. Very funny with a large amount of audience participation.

A little after that, I recorded my very first song... Which was terrifying! But yeah, I did a cover of If I Die Young by The Band Perry and that was in support of me trying to get funds for the shave... Don't think that got me donations as such, but it has some views now and I think I did alright I guess *Shrugs* Just don't ask [K-Dawg] cause he's biased.. ;P
But yeah, it was interesting to hear my voice playback to me for the first time... I really didn't like it to be honest haha. It sounds so much different to what I think I sound like. I feel like I have so much power behind it, and really I'm just wispy and meh. So it was a shock to find that out haha... Gonna have to work on it for sure!

I'm now back on Halls (obviously) and yeah... Back in Pitt. As much as I was saying in previous posts that I'm not so fond of Pitt anymore and want to move to Thynne, I find myself slowly back pedaling on those words... Last year was pretty terrible for me at Halls. The freshers weren't overly friendly so fitting in was hard. But this year's freshers and the hall overall, is making me fall back in love with Pitt. It's reminding me of why I fell in love first year... The longer I stay here, the more I want to stay; so yeah, I have a feeling I'm gonna stick it out and be a true Pittling for my third and final year.

I am also now a stage manager at my church! It's not an overly difficult job really... I just carry the pulpit on and off stage (since we have our services in a university lecture theatre) and hand the microphones over to whoever needs them and when. The main bonus to it is I get to wear a headset which is the communication between myself and everyone else on the production team. I never realised how much was behind the scenes, until I became a stage manager and was listening to the camera people talking to each other; competing with the people on lighting and/or sound. But it's quite fun at times, especially when sneaking in jokes to each other throughout the service... ;)

Apart from all of that, the only other recent thing that has happened to me would be the incident that occurred just yesterday at church.

We had a guest preacher who had been giving messages all weekend, but I only attended the last session which was the Sunday morning. His message went about 10-15 minutes over time he was that enthused about what he was talking about, and then for about an hour afterward a session started up... The young youth were at the front being filled with the Holy Spirit, as well as other people just praying and/or soaking in the atmosphere. Random people were being pointed out by the speaker as well who he felt pulled to pray/bless. I was pretty darn tired that day and I was just sitting down watching everything go down (while everyone else was standing). I had had a bad night the previous night and sleep had sucked, so I was just like "eh". But after the speaker had spoken healing over one woman, and given visions to another; he pointed me out and asked me to walk down to the front. It was unexpected, and threw me... I was scared about what he was going to tell me as well. I was anxious that he'd bring up that I looked upset or something and I'd have to explain or something... Thankfully it wasn't like that at all. He was just getting visions and prophesying over me, and the things he said just blew me away. I wrote down what I could remember later after this all happened... So it's not in complete sentences as he would've said it... But I'll give you the basic gist of what was spoken over me.

"Dancing at the front of the room, as a form of expression ~during worship?~.
Sees me on a stage
Involved in arts & entertainment - movies, film, etc.
Can see me in front and behind a camera lens
I will go to places the church would not dare
I'll be fighting lions
I will be seen by many people, and not so much heard. Though I will have a voice
I will be giving identity to people
I have inheritance over something already... (That part was hazy. I just remember the word inheritance)
I don't need to work very hard to get to where I'm headed. Most people need to go through points A, B, C, D, E etc... But God has basically said 'just go for it'.."

For me, the things he was saying to me were crazy. The man had never met me, ever. Only found out my name as I walked down the front and told him... I'm still new to all of this, but I can't help but be excited. I mean... By what he said... I can link it to my dreams of being in musical theatre and/or being on YouTube making covers of people's songs... Not everything he said made sense, but I guess that's to be expected... And I don't know what to make of everything that was said. But considering the words I received when I was baptised awhile back as well... Princess and the picture of a rainbow as well, meaning that promises will be fulfilled... I can't help but feel as though my dreams are maybe not dreams after all. That they might actually be promises for me, and I might actually get there. Who knows... I definitely still have "lions" to fight in terms of personal issues like self confidence and everything... But who knows. Maybe it all just means I'll be singing up the front of the church and that's it. Even if it is just that, I would be fairly happy with my life. But yeah... I honestly have no idea what to think of it all, and my brain is struggling to figure it out. I'm just gonna try and stop trying to work it out, and just let life live it's course... Gonna be hard to do, that's for sure!

I'm pretty sure I've ranted enough now... Hehe. Whoops...

~Love is ___~

Caution: Emotional Rant

I'm sick. I'm sick of shedding tears. I'm sick of trying to impress people. I'm sick of the "need" to fit in: to be accepted. I'm sick of not being able to be obliviously happy with my relationship due to constant fear lurking on my shoulder. I'm sick of taking out these pent up emotions on my boyfriend because there's nowhere/no one else I feel comfortable doing so.

I said to someone a while back that I would no longer write posts like these... When I'm emotional... But when this is the third, THE THIRD, round of hell that my boyfriend and I have to endure; excuse me this one time please...

Six months... That's how long it lasted. Six months of happiness. I almost got to the point where I thought that we'd passed it. That maybe we can last the rest of our relationship together before something popped up... But who am I kidding?

I'm not saying that I'm not in the wrong at all this time around, because I didn't respect a couple of things and... I don't wish to go into details. But, I can't help but think that it is such a minor issue compared to the major one surrounding it. Involving a lack of trust.

I have parents that raised me to trust until it is broken. So when I see people not trusting say, their own children, it baffles me. Particularly if those children are not children anymore... You'd think age would come with more opportunity/freedom and less boundaries. But I'm just finding that that's not the case at all!

But anyway... All I can think of is just how much I can't stand not being able to truly be myself. Not being able to enjoy my relationship without fear of people going to a pastor and gossiping that we "totally had sex last night" or that his car was at my house past midnight... Oooohhh watch out! A car at a house past midnight must clearly always mean sex guys, remember that. Being on your own for five minutes in a bedroom? Sex. Kissing him in the living room? Sex. Now you all know, be safe yeah? Right....

Even got told recently, by someone clearly making wrong assumptions, that if we "can't control ourselves" that we should just hurry up and get married already. Don't worry about the fact that he doesn't have a job or anything, it'll all work itself out... You have no idea how much this angered me. The thought that someone thinks I'm just a hornbag out to get some! Has it ever occurred to people that [K-Dawg] and I are not doing things like that?! That we are perfectly happy to wait until he has a stable job and can begin supporting us for the potential future?! Just... Why does it always lead to sex with relationships within a church?!?! This may be crazy: but IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THAT! Ugghhh!!!

One day... One day people will just leave us alone to have OUR relationship how we want it. We are the ones involved, not anyone else... One day...
Oh wait. That'll be after marriage. Cause that seems to be the only point where people finally leave you the fuck alone.

~Wake me up from this hell I'm living in~

Holiday Adventures

♫ It's been a whiiillleeee ♫

... Please forgive me! I have been incredibly lazy... O:)

I wouldn't be surprised if this is an exceedingly long post, so you have been warned! I have 2-3 months of stuff to catch up on, and there is a lot of stuff.... Believe me. Let's begin!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! WOOOO! I hope all your New Years Resolutions come true... Or, knowing most people, most of them have already probably been broken... Ah well! There's always next year ;)

Oh goodness, what have I been up too... Well... I did finish that last exam I was about to sit as I was writing the last blog post. Two hours of cramming left my hand cramping like crazy and my head swimming with tiredness and worry. But it turns out that I got 87% on that exam, so I did a heck of a lot better than I was expecting... I was terrified I wasn't even going to pass so, that was a blessing. This also meant that I passed all of my subjects that semester! Which was something I very much needed to hear after the struggle I had over the last two semesters before that.

So after that chapter closed on a good note, the next chapter posed questions about whether I was staying on Halls next year or not. I got accepted back in the first round (which is a first for me... I've never gotten first round offers before with Halls, it had always been second round), and I accepted. I'm back in Pitt (unfortunately) but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to stay on Halls for another year. It's easier for studying, and I just love it to pieces... I'm going to miss it so damn much when I won't be staying there anymore! The only issue with accepting is that I now have to watch my bank account very closely... And I mean extremely closely. Because I now have to pay the fees myself and even though I have two jobs, I'm barely getting enough shifts from either of them to be able to pay off the fees and have spending money on the side comfortably...
This is also creating a bit of an issue when it comes to tithing to the church as well. I was planning on starting this year, but I have held back from starting just yet due to worries that it'll cut into my already scarce income. And I know, I know... Tithing is all about giving so you can receive more, and just believing that He will take care of it all. But the logic side of my brain is giving an insane fight at the moment, and I'm finding it hard to just go blind and hope for the best... Again, I always find things like that difficult; though I am slowly working at it. But regardless, I've accepted. I'm paying the fees. Something will work out, I'm sure of it!

Then began the summer holidays! Already they've been filled with ice fights, Facebook shenanigans, tea towel fights and all sorts of other crazy activities; though I can't say it started off too fantastic...

The day before my final uni exam was a friend's formal, which [K-Dawg] was her date for. Now this I didn't have a problem with, as they're friends and whatever! What I did care about was the fact that one of the girls sitting on the table with them is the current girlfriend of my ex [Carl] who was also gonna be there. Well, even then... That wasn't exactly what bothered me. Love is love, and you can date whoever. The fact that they basically bitched about me the entire night? Openly? With my boyfriend being able to hear it all..? That's what killed me. [K-Dawg]'s fantastic memory ensured he could only tell a couple of things that they said, but that was enough to momentarily affect me badly.
I had honestly thought better of [Carl], and it really hurt that there were still petty rumours being spread about me even after I had left the school; so it really discouraged me to keep in contact with him even when I want to bring him to church and enjoy being friends with him still. I eventually struggled through it, and I'm back better than ever now! Anyone can say whatever they want about me, but I'm going to stay strong and keep doing what I'm doing regardless.

The other thing about the formal was the fact that I attended the pre-drinks of it... Where the parents/friends/family can hang for a while and get photos before being kicked out. This also meant that I was in a room full of students I used to be friendly with before the break up with [Riot!] and I. Judgmental glares and whispers were seen everywhere, but that didn't overly faze me compared to actually seeing [Riot!] himself for the first time since we ended things. I didn't talk to him, nor did he acknowledge my existence; but man was I hit with a crazy array of emotions all at once...

Due to the way we left things, when I saw [Riot!] I realised how many emotions I still had over the relationship that hadn't been dealt with. I'm not still in love with him, but I did still have traces of how I used to feel toward him there. I missed him... I still do! I can't stand leaving relationships on bad notes and, if I could help it, I would be friends with most of my exes still because they were good guys! (I say most, cause there are still the odd jerk or two...). I just wanted to run over and apologise and talk about Paramore or Charmed or anything else we used to get excited over together. We aren't good together as a couple, but I just wanted so badly to be friends with him again. To have it how it used to be before we started dating and things got all pear-shaped. I've gotten over it again now due to there being distance again, but I can't lie and say I still don't wish for it to happen one day... Not that I'm holding my breath.

Whether it was due to a heavy spike of emotion, or something else... I fell sick not long into the start of the holidays as well. Which was even better when I found out the air-conditioning at Subway wasn't working. A couple of shifts later, I had almost killed myself driving back home; which was a bit of an eye-opener for driving tired and sick... Don't do it guys, seriously. It was terrifying, even when there were few cars on the road.

I have been able to catch up with my groupies these holidays a couple of times already which has been awesomesauce! First, there was a celebration at [Clearly Unfocused]'s place for the end of the study year which was filled with Barbie, Twister and a strange Pokemon drinking game... [Phantomess]'s birthday was not long after, where we went out to par-tay in the city. Which also consisted of us driving my rather tipsy parents back from a work party, so there was a fair bit of hilarity involved there. The most recent get together was New Years where I held a party at my place, since I had the house to myself (score). There was 12 of us in total, and it was a good night! I managed to keep the house in one piece, except for one stain on the lounge-room floor... Someone had apparently brought in a drink when we went to watch the countdown and fireworks, and I was not aware of this; or the fact that they had spilled it! So, after a panic attack the next day, it was cleaned to the point where the stain itself isn't noticeable; but it's a clean patch compared to the rest of the worn carpet, so still relatively noticeable... >.> I tried my best parents, I really did!

But let's not forget about Christmas! This year I'm pretty sure I celebrated it at least... Three times. So by the time the third time came around, which was the actual day, it didn't even feel like the season anymore to be honest. It was first celebrated with the family and any partners of the children.. So basically [K-Dawg], and my sister's boyfriend. My brother's girlfriend was off holidaying in the US so was kinda difficult for her to join us... This was where I received a necklace and handbag from [K-Dawg], and a bible from his mother. A week later was just the family Christmas where we opened our presents, and was also my brother's birthday before we took off for Sydney to visit relatives.

A week was then spent in NSW where my 20th birthday was also thrown in. Woo! Yay for aging! My birthday was spent doing the Skywalk on the Sydney Tower which was pretty awesome, especially with the guide we had. It's all about who's taking you on the tour, seriously! Some people are just amazing at their jobs and leave you in stitches. Other than that, the rest of my birthday was pretty average; but such is the case when you're getting old I suppose :P Too expensive to do much else!

So... A little before all my Christmas/New Years adventures I got baptized in water, which was an interesting but amazing experience for me! I didn't feel any immediate difference, but being prayed for and hearing what I needed to hear from people who don't even know my story... It was just so amazing, and exactly what I needed. In particular, a fair few people kept getting the word Princess for me while praying; and while I didn't think much of it at the time, I now fully embrace the term and have realised exactly what it means to me and only me. I just had to get past the whole "I'm not worth anything" stage... Which, to be honest, I'm still struggling with... But progress!

Speaking of getting words, I am slowly learning that ability myself... While I haven't gotten any words for anyone yet, I have gotten a couple of visions; but haven't overly had the chance to practice more on it, since prayer sessions haven't been on over the holiday season. Of course there are other chances to practice... But I'm finding that those sessions are helping me most while I'm learning, and it's where I'm getting the most experiences to expand on. For example, a month before my water baptism I was baptized with the Holy Spirit in a prayer session; which opened up the ability to speak Tongues and find out if I had the gift to receive visions etc. That was very interesting for me... In a previous blog post I talked about Tongues and how uncomfortable I was with it and things like that... And, to be honest, at times I still am a little... Only because I don't know what I'm saying, and my brain just likes knowing these things! Also, I am still in the learning stage and have barely got a handle on it yet. I am still laughing at how ridiculous I sound at the moment, but I'm working through it so hopefully it evolves into something fluent and effortless to produce.

So yeah! A lot has been happening lately... But all the good things have come at a bit of a cost... It's been putting a massive strain on my relationship with the parents - my mother in particular - as they don't believe and are very set on never going down that path. Mum just thinks I'm going to end up like her hypocritical sister who hurt her and all these other things... I'm trying to prove otherwise, but it's quite difficult to work past how blinded she is to the fact that I haven't changed who I am; just who I follow after. I'm still the same [Miss Invisible]! I still talk to her, and involve her in my life... It was just difficult for a small period of time where there was a lot of religious events happening in my life and I didn't share them with Mum cause I thought she didn't want to hear it... Only to find her telling me that she still wants me to share with her. Even though I've tried discussing things like that with her in the past, and she's completely shut me down... So I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do! Just tread carefully I suppose.

Latest news: I am actively seeking donations in support of the Leukaemia Foundation, as I am planning on shaving my head in March in the World's Greatest Shave. My goal is around $2,500, and I so far have around $450 after a month of asking... I want to raise the amount so badly, but I'm honestly afraid I've set the bar too high. You'd think people would be willing to donate to such a great cause! I mean, a Facebook friend of mine got $1,000 within a week to get herself a dog for her birthday... Granted, she has more FB friends; but seriously?! I don't have anything against her getting a dog, but I really would've thought people would be more giving towards a charity that researches and helps those in need...

But anyways... [K-Dawg] and I also just recently had our one year anniversary! So that was nice to have in the midst of everything that's been happening. It honestly feels like we've been together for longer than that... In the good way that we just know each other so well, though I have noticed that our honeymoon period is slowly coming to an end :P Which I don't mind, cause it means we're just moving on to the next stage of our relationship together! It's just quite easy to spot the transition symptoms haha.

Add on an 11 and a half hour Laserforce marathon we went too recently and that basically sums up my holidays and what my life is like currently :P I have now run out of things to say... I don't even know how long this post is! Hopefully it's long enough for those dedicated readers that enjoy reading a lot about me... But I seriously need to blog more often, cause this post itself took about half a week to write up just out of laziness. I get less lazy when there's less to write :P

Until next time yo'

~Never let go of me, even when I'm sinking~

Let Me Go... From These Thoughts

Well hello...

So, I currently have a lot on my mind (like seriously though.. When do I not?) so this may be yet another typical [Miss Invisible] blog filled with my current life and all my crises... If you're still reading these, I am seriously impressed; but it wouldn't surprise me if I bore you eventually!

Aaaanyways... First off! A brief catch up on the night that was Valedictory Dinner where I was running for Diversity Officer against four other people... Yeah, I didn't get it. But what a surprise yeah? I mean. I know I'm not overly active in the Halls community, but that is mostly due to the fact that I do barely have anyone left to get pumped and active with. But hey... I'm gonna guess that God has a different plan in mind for me, since I didn't get the position after two years of running for it... I just gotta work out what that is.

I have applied to move back onto Halls next year, as a precaution. If I get a room, I will then have a week to decide whether I want it. If I don't, well... Pretty self explanatory really! My plan (well at least I'm hoping how this will work) is that every day I have a compulsory practical/tutorial class I will drive to the university and back, and probably attend any lectures on that day as well... Then watch any lectures that are outside of those days at the boyfriend's place, where I will have bulk study sessions... Probably on days when he's got work, or is out and about, so there is less distraction. The reason why I'm studying at the boyfriend's is purely for the Internet... The Internet connection at my place is definitely not suited for University study... Especially with how heavily we depend on it!

But, if I do get a room and I choose to stay on Halls, then I'll be back! Hopefully in Thynne next year, as Pitt is beginning to get on my nerves a little now... I can't quite put my finger on it, but yeah... And besides: I have enough green merchandise, it's time to spice things up a bit with a bit of blue!

On another note, Halloween was not long ago! Now, I don't personally celebrate it... I mean, I'm an Australian and don't particularly like the idea of going to a stranger's house to ask for candy, and the fact that my parents never really go into it either; so I was never overly fussed about. But this was the first year I experienced a different view on Halloween from a Christian standpoint, and it made me realise that I had never really thought about what Halloween meant. People were saying that people do human sacrifices and basically worship all things evil on this day, and I was like whaaaa? I just thought it was just an excuse to dress up and get candy... O.O Oh naivety...
At the end of the day, my views pretty much stay unchanged though. I'm not going to bother going into what the day means and all that jazz, and I don't overly care to be honest; most likely because I just don't overly care about the holiday in general :P Other people can do as they please though. Each to their own!

So, I got prayed for again recently in a different kind of situation... A couple of weeks back the floor was opened to anyone who wanted to be prayed for for reasons that were mentioned in the service and... For the first while I was too shy and awkward to do it, but I told myself to suck it up and head down there where a few others already were; and afterward a whole heap of other people and leaders that were in the service surrounded particular people that they knew and prayed for them... I had [K-Dawg], [K-Dawg]'s mum and another leader I know pray for me and yeah... I haven't felt as much of an impact after this prayer as of yet, but I know it's because of the topic it was focused on it; which is a difficult one to overcome... But I still appreciated it none the less! Not to mention the fact that I had to restrain from wanting to cuddle the heck out of [K-Dawg] who was clearly struggling to hold back the tears beside me... Sook ;P

One thing that I am finding lately that I'm struggling with... Is talk about marriage and weddings so often nowadays, with particular focus on [K-Dawg] and I in some cases... The idea of marrying [K-Dawg] is one that I very much want to happen, and I want it more than anything! But when people are constantly bringing it up, it just reminds me of how far away that dream currently is. I'm not one of those girls who like to rush into a marriage as soon as they think they've found the "best boyfriend evvaaaaa". I like to establish that relationship, wait a fair chunk of time, preferably move in and get some experience with living with them a little before (don't have to sleep in same bed, but ya know...), work out all the ways both people work/don't work together, and have some form of financial stability; even if it's just one side at first, but the second half getting a full time job as soon as possible... I used to add possibly owning a house as well, or at least renting... But I'm not so sure with that anymore with how house prices are and all that jazz... Still a nice thought though!
But yeah... There's just been so much talk of it recently and... I don't mind the occasional wishful conversation with [K-Dawg] about our silly little wants in the reception, or what song to play down the aisle... But when so many people are dropping hints, or straight out asking when we're going to get married... I'm just finding it annoying to be honest... Especially some of the people that are like "my parents got married after dating for six months, and they're still together!".. Like, that's great! Cool for them! I didn't realise that was the template for every other relationship though..?

My current situation? I've sat one of my two exams for the end of semester... I don't know how well I did, but I'm still in that "I don't care because this, this and this" stage of my life with my self-dubbed "Quarter Life Crisis"... I know I'm not quite there with the age, but I'm close enough for it to be called that! I could also just call it "University Student Confusion Syndrome" which a lot of us seem to suffer... Where one day we just go "Shiz... Am I doing the right thing?! Is this what I want to do with my life?!". Some lucky people only suffer for short periods of time before they work it out, but me? Naaa. I've been struggling for the entirety of this year, plus a tiny bit of the end of the last...
My final exam of the year is on Monday and I'm kind of terrified about it, but my brain is still in such a mode that I'm struggling to study for it... The lecturer has given us eight questions, and four will be on the exam; and we're allowed a double-sided A4 sheet of paper with notes on it... Doesn't sound too terrible until you realise just how much detail she wants in each question (it's Anatomy so there's shiz loads of info...), then all you want to do is curl up in a corner and cry really... I'm at the point where I have 12 and a half pages of notes and diagrams that I now have to cram down into two pages... Wouldn't be so bad if some of the much needed diagrams didn't take up so much space! *Sigh* So yes... I have to find some time between now and 8am Monday morning to get a decent grip on Anatomical knowledge and probably a seriously cramping hand in the process... In between work tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and possibly helping [K-Dawg] get all suited up to be a friend's formal date where both of my ex-boyfriends will be... So glad it's him going, and not me hehe.

Also, the church I attend is hosting a passion-themed Higher Conference this weekend which I am unable to attend due to reasons stated above, plus babysitting the siblings tonight; which has unsettled me a little... I can't lie and say I wasn't jealous when I saw all the pictures and statuses on Facebook and messages from the boyfriend about a flash mob dance and all these things... I know it can't be helped when it's held the weekend before a crazy exam, but I still want to be a part of it so badly... Even just as a viewer! But, knowing my luck, similar situations will arise for the next two years I'm at uni and so it's gonna be a fair while before I'm soaking up the conference atmosphere along with everyone else. So, here I am... At home... Typing this blog in a sleep-deprived state that is becoming more of the norm (which for me, really isn't good... But I can't seem to sleep lately) internally crying as more statuses about tonight's conference activities are being posted as I blurt out my feelings to the Internet world... I swear one day I will change this blog permanently... One day... Some time in the (probably distant) future... :P

Yeah so... If my blog makes very little sense tonight, I apologise; but my brain is literally here, there and everywhere currently and I'm too lazy to go through and edit what I've written. I might just go to bed. Yeah... Sounds like a plan [Miss Invisible]. Get yo' ass to bed woman... Say goodnight to the Internet.

Goodnight Internet! See you around sometime soon...

~It's gossip... Write about me!~

Sleep-Deprived Brain Rambles

Hullo!

So, I literally just downloaded the Blogger app so I could write up this post... Mostly because my eyes were killing me after spending too much time on the computer & a random brain spurt after turning it off. And, as usual, now that I've started.. I've completely forgotten what I was gonna say. But if the font is weird or different, it's because there's like.. No font options with this thing. Just bold & italics options, so I can still have italics! Woo!

Anyways... I'm just gonna start with this week & what's goin' down!

As I think I've already mentioned... I am going for Diversity Officer in the Resident's Club for my uni campus for the second time... And I still have very mixed feelings right now.

[Chappy] and I were talking after the Hall Crawl this afternoon (basically a night consisting of activities at each hall, generally getting quite messy at some point or other..) & he was saying to me that I should stay on Halls next year, regardless of whether I get the position or not. And it's really torn me up..

As badly as I do want to stay on Halls (I seriously do love it here), it's really hard when there are so few people left that I can hang out. [Chappy] is a social butterfly who can charm his way into conversations easily, but I'm not like that. I'm just not as smooth! And again, there /is/ the money issue... But, if I don't stay on Halls, will I put in the study..? Or get distracted even more than I manage to do here..?

So yes, I am still struggling over this issue... But I have until Friday to re-apply to Halls... I might re-apply anyway... To cover all bases I suppose. But tomorrow night is Valedictory Dinner, where the Resident's Club for next year will be announced... To be honest, I'm nowhere near as nervous or excited as I was last year. Last year I stressed & agonised over getting the position, & it left me utterly crushed when I didn't get it (get way too emotionally invested.. Can't ya tell?); so I guess my mind is saving me from going through the same thing. Especially since I was only up against one person last year, & this year I'm against four. So yeah, I've basically already accepted defeat.

One thing I don't believe I have discussed on here is a recent church service I went too.. The week before last to be specific.

I was perfectly fine until the pastor started giving the message... And about halfway through some of the things he was saying started to hit home... So much so that I was a bit of a mess by the end of it... As in pretty much bawling my eyes out. It was kind of embarrassing, not gonna lie. But I did get cuddles from [K-Dawg] & [Dancer] so I can't complain too much. But it was then that they insisted I go and talk to the pastor about it afterward. And this terrified me. 

The pastor himself didn't scare me, I like the guy! He's cool! What was terrifying me was change. And I knew... As soon as I talked to him, things would start changing for me. And boy was I right...

[Dancer] ended up talking to him first  to break my awkwardness a little, & I went into a little detail of how I currently felt (annoyingly couldn't rattle on about everything, as shyness & awkwardness held me back), then the next thing I knew... I had a small crowd around me (okay, like, maybe seven or so people) holding a hand or touching my shoulder & praying for me...

This was the first time I had other people praying for me, & it was surreal. Like... I honestly didn't know what to think for most of it, & I had to really focus on trying to hear what was being said by the person leading the prayer at the time; as the others were constantly murmuring as well. And what language were they murmuring in? ..Tongues. 

Now... Tongues is a weird topic for me. I'm still not 100% sure what I think about it. Again, it's a new thing or 'change' of some kind... And the idea of not knowing for sure what you're saying scares the heck out of me.. Always has & always will. I don't have anything against it.. I'm just not completely ready to accept the idea just yet either... And can't promise that I ever will, because who knows!

But, everything aside... It was nice being prayed for. Some of the things that were said to me were really nice & I have honestly felt lighter since it happened. I've also started thinking about slightly out there things I never thought I originally would've thought of. 

For example, the day after the service (from memory) I was thinking about [Carl]... My devoted followers know him quite well. But yes, I was thinking about him, just generally; and then I had a rush of thoughts involving him and his current girlfriend attending the church I do. Coming to the services... Me being there to help them not be as awkward... All these sorts of things...

I just found it so weird I guess. I mean, I forgave [Carl] a fair while back for everything he's put me through, so it's not like I have ill feelings toward him or anything like that. I guess it's just the fact that I suddenly want my ex-boyfriend to attend my church, even if it's just once, that I found a bit surprising. It's.. Kind of hard to explain, but yeah. 

I'm already running out of things to say... As usual! Plus, this is kinda hurting my thumbs doing this on the trusty iPod... Though I do like this app! ^_^

I'll make a new post whenever I get around to it :P Seeing as there's always big gaps between them...

~I don't wanna lose you now~

What You Want

Hello hello!

It's been a while hasn't it..? Ah well! I was really only spurred to write this blog post because of current situations stressing me to the point where I need to blurt them out onto an electronic piece of paper just to hopefully make sense of it all... Hopefully this doesn't become negative! But there will definitely be plenty of pondering and a lot of wondering... So shall we begin? Okay!

So.. This is Halls related mainly... As most of you know, I live on campus at my University and I love it. I love the beauty of the campus, I love the people, I love the atmosphere... Heck, I don't even mind the smell that wafts in from the piggery time to time; because I love this campus so damn much! So what's the problem, you ask? Well, my parents can't continue to afford the fees for me to stay every year; and so, if I wish to stay on next year, I'm going to be taking on paying the fees myself. Now, this I don't mind! Having the last two years paid for me is a blessing in itself, and I am perfectly okay with becoming independent... The major issue I have is whether I will be making enough money to support myself, only working weekends... I have two jobs currently, and am struggling like crazy. One of the jobs is pretty much never giving me shifts, while the other has me on two set shifts a week; but with lower pay... So it isn't really satisfying my bank account currently.

I got to the point, earlier today, where I was thinking of not coming back to Halls next year... I mean. I've lost most of the group of people I hung out with this semester, and basically sit by myself for 90% of the meals in the dining hall... And, depending on how much my parents would charge me for board to keep living with them, it would most likely be cheaper to stay at home; and take the hour trip there and back every day I have pracs, and listen to the lectures online... But would I really do that? I mean... The internet at home is pretty dodgy at times, so could I guarantee good quality listening? I could go to the boyfriend's with his unlimited interwebs... But risk the chance of getting distracted if he's around. Who am I kidding, I'm easily distracted no matter what! My procrastination methods are crazy extreme... And yet I was considering staying at home and studying..? Where I'm more likely to do nothing, than I do on Halls..? *Sigh*

I went to the Resident's Club information evening tonight, as I was eagerly considering going again for the role of Diversity Officer; as most of you would know, I was robbed of last year by another student who clearly couldn't give two darns about music and culture... I honestly didn't even feel like going. I RSVP'd two-three weeks ago, when I was much more eager. But today, I was slowly reaching the conclusion that I wasn't going to come back next year; but went, since I had already RSVP'd... And I wasn't going to pass down good food, when it's such a rare opportunity!

What did the information evening do for me..? Confuse me even more of course! Because it re-ignited my want to be the Diversity Officer... I doubt anybody has any clue just how badly I want it, it's crazy... But, as far as I'm aware, I'm against at least one-two other people for this position; and I honestly don't know if I can go through what I did at Valedictory Dinner last year when the Res Club members were announced and my name wasn't among them.

I want to make a difference! I want to enrich people's lives! I want to help make Halls better than it currently is! Yet, I am so terrified at the thought of losing... Of failure. But would I regret not going for it? Of course...

Then there's the other problem... What if I manage to get assigned the post I so badly want? What if I manage to get it, and then realise half way through the year that I can't afford the fees..? If I'm going to be in Res Club, I am staying all year! Because it's an opportunity I will never get again... So if I have to cut that short..? It's going to kill me, just a little...

And I still have the constant problem involving where I'm going with my life... Someone this weekend said to me: "So, after uni, are you going to be joining a theatre company or..?" and I didn't know how to reply. I'm not a fan of those questions... Why? Because it just trudges up the conflict I'm trying so hard to work out. My self-doubt and lack of confidence ruins a lot of it, I think... Maybe I could get into a minor theatre company, yeah... But the big ones? Where I want to be? Heck no! I'd never make it.. At least not as a main character. Chorus member perhaps... If I'm lucky.

I'm honestly not trying to be a pain by putting myself down... I just honestly struggle so much with the comprehension that I could get my voice back, since I've surely destroyed it by now with no training and just belting whenever... Do I train it? No! I'm not putting effort into music, and I'm not putting much effort into wildlife either... Because I'm caught in between with no clue as to where I'm gonna actually end up.

Could be why I want Diversity Officer so badly perhaps... Maybe then I'll be satisfied with a bit of work with music and culture, while still with animals... Sure, it's not a stage with lights and people watching... But it's better than nothing. And I've already accepted the fact that I'm going to have to make sacrifices in my life to ensure everything works out smoothly.

So yeah! Those are my current thoughts... I'm writing this after not getting much sleep last night due to cramming for an exam that I took today... Which would have been a heck of a lot easier if I knew what to study... Turns out I could have just looked at diagrams, rather than focusing on the theory like the lecturer hinted on... Woo! Yay for good communication! ... If this blog post makes no sense, the above reasoning is why!

Now to hopefully de-stress so I can get some good sleep for tomorrow... Where I'll be doing some study, before the Athletics carnival; followed by Doctors and Nurses theme at the club, where [Chappy]'s birthday will be belatedly celebrated... Hopefully with the much missed [Bestiality]'s presence! ^_^

Ciao guys.

~Put the right amount of pressure on it, pressure on it~

Small Rambles

Hey hey!

So I just came back from an hour and a half of learning some line dances which was pretty awesome; and I'm now pumped up on energy that I figured I'd put into this, rather than continuously dancing the few that I can still remember :P Mostly for the sake of my poor feet...

But just to continue on that for a moment, I had a good time! Trying to help [Genius!] out with coordinating her feet got interesting at times, and it made me thankful that I'm naturally coordinated; not gonna lie! I'm now waiting, in horror, for more of the videos to be released that one of the guys took of all the dances; including the fresher dance at the end, where I happened to pull a bit of a ridiculous face at the camera... Yeah! Intelligent [Miss Invisible] is intelligent!

What else have I done today? I actually did some study! Which, to some, may not seem like a big deal; but to me it is. I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me lately, but I have been working my hardest to get out of this 'phase' that I'm in where all motivation for study has just disappeared. It wasn't much... And I still have a quiz on Thursday, along with a quiz and assignment due on Monday; but I'm mostly hoping that I'll smash some more out tomorrow and Thursday, since I'm going to be having a long weekend due to our lecturer being required elsewhere on Friday. And, I know what I'm like on a weekend... Not much is gonna get done! Especially when I have to work it all around work as well.

I've also recently decided to get back into writing my neglected fanfiction! Obviously around assessments, so I won't be able to do much for the next short while... And, I'd say I'll work on it on the holidays but... It appears that my holidays have been stolen by more Uni so... Maybe on the four-five days I do get for the holiday, rather than the given nine or so... Woo! Yay for compulsory external subjects!

I'm pretty excited about it though. It's been soooo long! I went through the first three chapters again and, when not fixing errors, I just couldn't help but get sucked back in and fall in love with my characters all over again! Even the main character, who I originally based off of [Riot!], was still as close to my heart as ever. I'm not sure whether I've found someone who I can ideally base him off yet but... The character wasn't too heavily based on [Riot!] to begin with so, it shouldn't be too difficult to keep writing as him with little change.

For those of you wondering about the situation between [K-Dawg] and I.. I'm not going to elaborate too much. I'm just going to say that... My last post has been deleted, because it is evident that confusion and emotion don't make for healthy blog writing; and clearly don't get the point I'm trying to make across, but rather creates other assumptions instead.
Information has changed as well, making it quite incorrect now... But we are working things through, and will /hopefully/ come to a result soon. I'm just honestly hoping that this is the last time things like this happen, because a girl can only go through so much stress in her life; and I've still got kids to come! :P

Ugh, I have plenty of energy... Yet nothing in my brain to fuel my typing fingers! Umm... Charity Week at Uni is coming up! Next week actually, come to think of it... Which means there will probably be tales of me dying at the 24 hour dance square, or dying of laughter at the slave auctions. Here's hoping I can sneak into another Anatomy prac though, so I can do the full 24 hours this time... Need to beat last year's 16!

Oh! Speaking of Anatomy! I got to play with the reproductive parts of a male bull today! Which was so much better than last week when we were looking at the female reproductive anatomy, and we got a teeny tiny little lamb... A lamb... That hadn't even hit puberty yet! -_- So much fun trying to identify things when they're so darn small :P
This week was very much different. Always takes me a bit to get into it but... Can't help but be interested, as well as have a bit of fun, in what's in front of you... Or maybe that's just me? Hey! Why do you think I'm studying this stuff then?! :P
Pretty sure I grossed a fair few people out on Facebook as well with a photo... Definitely worth it! You guys were graced with a photo, while I was face to face with the real thing; if that makes any of those who suffered feel any better :P You also didn't have to smell it! So yeah! Be thankful that a photo is all you got ;)

Aaaand I've now run out of things to say... Might go off and do a bit more study maybe, before bed... Or give my feet some love and care after dancing for an hour and a half in shoes that really do not support them in anyway... Whoops!

Until next time people!

~If you want the world, I suggest you come with me~

Go And Let The Lonely In

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hiiiiii!!

... Yes, it's been a month. Yes, I generally have tons of time to write blogs. Yes, I find awesome things to write about then forget about them as soon as I sit my backside down in front of the computer... Just don't hate meee D':

So, I am now nearing the end of my third week back at University! I don't remember telling you that I did end up having my show of cause application accepted but... It's pretty obvious that it was, cause I'm back! And still lazy as ever! Woo!
Actually, I'm not /as/ bad... I have improved the tiniest little smidgen! Yay for improvement!

But yeah... What I really wanted to talk about, in regards to Uni, is how lonely it is this semester. Like, ridiculously.

So, there was a small group of us girls who would hang out last year and whatever. We weren't all necessarily friends with each other, but they'd be people you could talk too at lunch if there's nobody else or dance with at the club... Then about half of those girls didn't get back onto Halls at the start of this year. It didn't affect me so much, cause I still had [Bestiality] and a couple of other girls I'm really close too... But what happened over the holidays just gone? We lost one of our girls (a major one who I used to dance at the club with), and I've lost [Bestiality]... Although it's only for this semester, I am already dying on the inside. Being my closest friend, by far, and one of the only people I had left here... And for her to then not be here... I haven't felt so lonely in my life!
The only other girl who I am close too, goes home halfway through the week when we have our day off; so I actually barely see her... A little bit on Monday/Tuesday, and a smidgen on Thursday/Friday... And that's only during the first half of the day, if we're in the same class. Other than that, we have differing classes or she's driving on home again... So, I've been hanging out with [Genius!] a lot more, and a couple other freshers who stick around with her; and I have been spending more time with a friendly Sheltonite, which is good! I am forming a couple more friendships but... I'm going to keep it simple as many of you don't overly know [Genius!] that well, but... I can only handle hanging out with her so much before I start going a little crazy. I'm not trying to make her out to be a bad person, because she genuinely is a nice girl! It's hard to explain... I guess my Asperger's just acts up and clashes with some of her personality traits; which is frustrating to say the least.

But, regardless of the fact that I've made a couple more friends... At lunch times, I'm generally sitting on my own in a corner; and I want nothing but to have [Bestiality] back in her room, so I can jump on her bed and rant to her about anything and everything again... Or go on Macca's DnM runs... Or even just have someone back at Res Sport, or the club, who I'm comfortable around or can dance with!

I'm trying to be a part of Halls life as best I can, considering there's another 400 odd students who we'll be competing with for spots next year as a new course comes in... But it's so difficult when I'm just there, on my own, all awkward like. Or [Genius!] and a couple others are there, so I sit with them; but don't generally feel as sociable, or have to watch myself from whacking her over the head when she gets right up in my face... 

And I know I'm still privileged. I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be on Halls, and back in Uni. I'm not trying to whine about how I don't have anything, or how life sucks. Cause I know it doesn't... But I was hoping to really turn a new leaf this semester, and I was hoping tat [Bestiality] and I could do that together, since we've both been struggling in terms of study and all that... But I don't even really have anyone to study with now! One of my subjects is external, so basically completely independent work... I'm repeating a first year course I failed, so I have no fellow second years; and am just surrounded by people I don't really know at all... And the other one, I do have the girl I was talking about earlier (the one who goes home... I don't have a name yet though! Errr... [Sweetheart]? Cause that's pretty much just what I think of her.. Anyways!) but I'll have to see if I can work in study sessions with her, when she's actually at the Uni.

So yeah.. And I barely go to the club anymore since I don't really have anyone to go with. I went last night, due to [K-Dawg] coming to Uni to go with me as it was a Onesie theme... But the DJ, who is normally good, was having an off night; and I just couldn't handle being there anymore, so we decided to leave... I can't stand my unstable emotions sometimes, honestly! This time I didn't want to be there because I just missed everyone. I missed [Bestiality] doing the fresher dances with me, and [Sweetheart] being all awkward and not really dancing unless she's had a drink and even then only minimal, and the other girl (now dubbed [Shawty]) going absolutely crazy and being my "sexy dance partner". Heck, I was even missing [Chappy] a little (even though he's still on Halls) because he wasn't at the club; and I wanted to have a random chat with him, while smelling the fantastic scent of rum on his breath... And, as much as I love [K-Dawg] and spending time with him; going to clubs with him stresses me. I know that he's a socialite who doesn't really dance, but can have just as much fun just by talking to people... But I like dancing at a club... Yet, I feel awkward and can't dance like I normally would when he's around... It's weird, I don't even understand. Then, if he looks even remotely bored; I start stressing that he's not having a good time, which then just spirals my mood.. So yeah, it's a good fun cycle! I am seriously hopeless haha...

So anyways! I should mention what subjects I am doing this semester so when I mention them in the future, y'all won't get confused... So I'm doing Systems (the repeated first year subject), Anatomy II, and Monotremes (the external one... It has a much longer name, but just Monotremes will do :P). So yes! Only three subjects from now on! Because, I was clearly struggling with four... I probably could easily handle four if my head was in the right space for it; but I doubt I'm ever going to get it there, so three it is! I just wish I can find that feeling, or instance, or whatever to help me find the drive and desire to do what I want to do. I've always loved animals, so why am I not fueled with desire now that I'm studying Wildlife? Apart from the fact that this is a Science degree, and we actually barely look at animals half the time... Or perhaps the fact that when we do finally study wildlife, it's all Australian wildlife with nothing on exotics... Which is the polar opposite of what I'm interested in! *Sigh*

I swear I had intended this post to be positive when I opened it... Well! I guess it's good to get everything out anyway, since it was clearly eating me up a fair chunk.

It was [K-Dawg]'s birthday two days ago (HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD THING!) and it is his mother's today... So I'm headed out to her birthday dinner tonight with the rest of the family, so should be nice. Then I have work tomorrow night, followed by an early wake up call on Saturday to drive half an hour away for a Harassment session my work has organised since my little discovery I mentioned a blog back or two. I had managed to get out of two sessions (with genuine reasons), and thought I had gotten off Scott-free... But apparently I haven't! And if I hadn't agreed to go to this session, I would have had to call up the boss higher than her (who is scary as shiz and I avoid with my life) and organise something... So I have to go out, to an /induction/ to do this. Apparently the induction goes from 9am-2pm but that I "should" be out within the hour. They will hear about it if I have stay any longer, because I have already been through the induction when I first went back to Subway... It was boring as anything, and I know everything. Plus, I actually have better things to do with my life then sit in a room with newbies watching multiple videos... Ugh.

So yes! Hopefully I will be free shortly after so I can get a haircut! Which I have not had one since September last year! I know... I'm terrible... But seriously, that's how cheap I have been with my money. If I can afford putting it off, I will do it for as long as possible. The only reason I'm going this weekend is because Mum is booking my sister in, and suggested she could book me in as well; which I figured I may as well, so I can look better for [K-Dawg]'s birthday party that same night ;)

And yeah... Other than all that, my life is quite boring at the moment. With two jobs and Uni, my weekdays consist of minimal classes & work; along with the usual other stuff that happens here, that I try to find motivation to go too... And then my weekends consist of work, all three days... So, relatively tired a lot lately! Along with me /finally/ starting to go to the gym... I'm finding it difficult to stay motivated and go every week; but I am also going to Zumba and Boot Camp classes, so it's not like I'm entirely lazing around when not at the gym.

And [K-Dawg] was kind enough to show me a new online game that has now taken my soul and captured it, so I am now mindlessly devoted to it and just... In love. Hehehe. I am still trying to get some Uni work in though! ... In between gaming sessions ;)

Other than that, I don't have much else to say! I'm going to see P!nk in concert soon, as well as things are pretty much finalised for The Lion King in February... Well, so long as the other two comrades give me the moneys for the ticket that is... Let's not forget that in February as well Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters comes out in the cinemas, which I am so damn keen about! I have read the books (and am impatiently waiting for her latest to come out in November) and they are amazing; and from the discussions people have bee having, and what I've gotten from behind the scenes.. The movie is looking pretty damn awesome! Though, I swear, if I hear anyone relating it to Twilight again; I will break something... I can't stand the fact that whenever people say vampires nowadays, it's all related straight to that series! Vampire Academy is a heck of a lot better, and is more text-book vampire again; but Richelle Mead puts her own touch on them so they're a little different, but not sparkly and all that jazz.

Oooooh! And let's not forget that WICKED is coming back early next year as well! I can't quite remember the dates... I'm going to hazard a guess somewhere around March to May? But yes... I need a fair chunk of $$$ by Christmas to support me staying on Halls next year, as the parentals can't keep affording to pay; but I might be struggling with all the awesomeness that is coming up in the near future! :D

I can't think of much else to say now... I'm all rambled out. At least I got more positive near the end! I honestly didn't mean this post to be so heavy and ranty... This is why I should blog more often! So I can have more of the types of posts I actually /want/... But that requires effort I clearly don't have :P

Until next time fellow dwellers of the interwebs!

~I'm the shadow of a girl that I used to know so well~