Hey hey!
So, it's been a couple of months... To be honest, I didn't realise it had been so long; but then again, I have been quite preoccupied with multiple things and yeah... Time just runs away!
Just gonna get right into it really... Let's go!
Pretty much right after the last post, QPAC announced that The Lion King Musical is coming to Queensland at the end of the year... So I, of course, instantly snatched up another pair of tickets for [K-Dawg] and myself.. O:)
Unfortunately... Not long after that... There was another incident that occurred which involved [K-Dawg] and I's relationship, which involved a woman who isn't a parent of the either of us... But you know! It's behind us now, again, and we're continuing on like the power couple we are. Like seriously... If we were to ever break up in the future, it would have to be over something utterly disastrous; because the things we have been through! Yikes.
Eurovision also just happened! Well, happened recently at least... Which is basically the highlight of my year, every year. It's also just really good to catch up with [Phantomess], [Clearly Unfocused], [GoJo] and [Tenuto Tuo] as I so rarely see them nowadays. But this year was one of my favourites by far! So many good songs for me to listen to on repeat afterward!
Also went to go see the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham recently, which was a pretty good night! A bit too much promoting of products, if I could be completely honest... But I still ended up laughing at Achmed the Dead Terrorist's attacks on Ipswich and the weather in Queensland as a whole. Along with all the other jokes and his puppets!
Other than that I haven't been up to too much really! The MTV video is due this Friday, so things are pretty much wrapped up for that and editing is in the final stages. I actually got to sing in this one! Third time lucky, I suppose? But yeah... I only have four lines out of the whole thing, but it's better than nothing; and I'm happy to finally be able to say I sang in an MTV video at Uni! :P
I've been meeting new people, and getting thrown into plenty of social situations lately; both at university, and within church. Honestly, I'm just uncomfortable and unhappy about it majority of the time. I mean... I'm anti-social! Autistic! People are not for me! I literally had to hold back a laugh at work the other week when someone called me a "people-person". I mean... I can fake it a fair amount of the time, and seem like I like people. But most of the time? It just drains my energy, and makes me feel exhausted. Another example from work showed the polar opposite... They asked me if I hated working there and I said "not really, no". To which they replied "well I'd hate to see you when you do hate it!". Referring to my facial expression... Which was perfectly neutral. I wasn't upset or anything at all. It just so happens that my neutral expression makes me look as though I'm upset, or in deep thought (sometimes); but more often upset.
I can't help it! Yeah, I'm at work and should be serving with a smile; and I was honestly trying, but for some reason I just couldn't switch it on at that exact time. So I got hurt from their comments, but what can I do really?
So anyway... I've really been struggling with everything social lately. /Especially/ at church, where everyone loves to hug each other when they greet each other... I don't want to be a horrible person, but I literally cannot stand it. I don't want to hug people! I don't want to be hugged! But it's the social convention, so what do I do? I cave. I allow it, as much as I feel uncomfortable. Because I don't want to seem rude, or anything else they may consider me to be.
I mean... I can barely hug my own mother. As a now 20-year old, this kills me. When I was younger, I barely noticed that I was unattached as a child and showed so little gratitude and love to my own mother. I am now 20 years old and am still struggling to try and turn things around. I want too, so badly! But it's like there are physical walls stopping me from doing such things. I am making progress though, as slow as it may be! But it's also difficult changing my relationship with my mother who knows what I'm like, and also expects me to turn into the kind of Christian she despises / has hurt her throughout her life. So you know... Makes things quite strained when I'm the only one in my family who attends church, and I can't really come home and talk about too much out of fear that she'll take something the wrong way or whatever...
I've also been struggling lately with the concepts of dreams versus visions.
People at my church are always talking about how they get promises from God and/or visions/pictures/words about their future and/or promises and/or anything! Which makes me relatively jealous and wistful... I'm very new to the religious world, I know that. But in a small matter of time I've been labelled a "princess" and told that He has promises for me that are going to be fulfilled, and my curiosity is at the brink as to what they are! Cause I'm somewhat clueless!
I've always had vivid daydreams of myself doing things my entire life.. I'm sure everyone does it. It's pretty normal. Most of mine have been centered on singing, as it's my passion...
So lately I've been struggling with trying to determine what may be promises from God being sent to me, and what may be just my brain daydreaming away as usual.
I'm the kind of person that sort of needs thing to be obvious... Like. Crazy obvious. Like in my face, there's nothing else it can be, obvious. Which means this whole not knowing thing is driving me crazy! :P
I will eventually seek out help to see if I can get anywhere with this issue, but in the meantime I'm planning on writing up a list of all the dreams I've had; and try to just dwell on them to see if any of them seem like they could be promises, or if they jump out at me and say "hey! I'm it! Pick me!" (which would be preferred to be honest, cause obviousness! :P). But yeah. I'm really just trying to stay focused on finishing this wildlife degree first, before starting to work out where I'm going with the rest of my life and these potential promises I may have.
So I found the 100 Happy Days Challenge on the internet and decided it was worth giving a fair shot. I have really been feeling that my life lacked any essence, or joy, or happiness lately; so I told myself to do this challenge so I can start finding happiness again. Before people comment with "But what about [K-Dawg]? Does he not make you happy?". He does. He does very much so! In fact, he was the only thing giving me happiness in my life before I started the challenge. Which is another reason why I started it. I can't depend on my loved one to provide me with my sole source of happiness. Which is why I set myself a mini challenge within the happy days challenge, to not have a picture involving [K-Dawg] solely providing me with happiness for that day; unless I did nothing else with my day, and I'm trying to limit it to just the one.
It's really hard to do! Particularly when I'm here at uni, and there are so little people left that I know to hang out with. Those that I do know are barely ever here and/or are out and about all the time. Oh, and I'm still anti-social so I barely ever leave my room. Cause ya know, that's just how I work! So I really struggled to find something every day for the first bit. I'm up to the twenties in days now, and it's a bit easier; but I'm still struggling. Mostly because my life is a constant routine at the moment. Monday-Friday - uni. Friday & Saturday night - work. Sunday - church and a little bit of socialising time.
This has caused time spent with [K-Dawg] to become much more limited as well, which initially made my mood decline; due to the fact that he was the only thing making me happy at the time, and I still feel like he is at the moment. But the happy days challenge is making small changes in how I think, so I'm sure by the end I will have a better outlook on everything; even if it's only slightly improved.
That's all I can think of! Again, this has turned more ranty and stuff but eh. I am on a long journey, and it is gonna take possibly even longer before I can completely see life and love through unfogged glasses.
Ciao y'all.
~Waking in the rubble, walking over glass~
So, it's been a couple of months... To be honest, I didn't realise it had been so long; but then again, I have been quite preoccupied with multiple things and yeah... Time just runs away!
Just gonna get right into it really... Let's go!
Pretty much right after the last post, QPAC announced that The Lion King Musical is coming to Queensland at the end of the year... So I, of course, instantly snatched up another pair of tickets for [K-Dawg] and myself.. O:)
Unfortunately... Not long after that... There was another incident that occurred which involved [K-Dawg] and I's relationship, which involved a woman who isn't a parent of the either of us... But you know! It's behind us now, again, and we're continuing on like the power couple we are. Like seriously... If we were to ever break up in the future, it would have to be over something utterly disastrous; because the things we have been through! Yikes.
Eurovision also just happened! Well, happened recently at least... Which is basically the highlight of my year, every year. It's also just really good to catch up with [Phantomess], [Clearly Unfocused], [GoJo] and [Tenuto Tuo] as I so rarely see them nowadays. But this year was one of my favourites by far! So many good songs for me to listen to on repeat afterward!
Also went to go see the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham recently, which was a pretty good night! A bit too much promoting of products, if I could be completely honest... But I still ended up laughing at Achmed the Dead Terrorist's attacks on Ipswich and the weather in Queensland as a whole. Along with all the other jokes and his puppets!
Other than that I haven't been up to too much really! The MTV video is due this Friday, so things are pretty much wrapped up for that and editing is in the final stages. I actually got to sing in this one! Third time lucky, I suppose? But yeah... I only have four lines out of the whole thing, but it's better than nothing; and I'm happy to finally be able to say I sang in an MTV video at Uni! :P
I've been meeting new people, and getting thrown into plenty of social situations lately; both at university, and within church. Honestly, I'm just uncomfortable and unhappy about it majority of the time. I mean... I'm anti-social! Autistic! People are not for me! I literally had to hold back a laugh at work the other week when someone called me a "people-person". I mean... I can fake it a fair amount of the time, and seem like I like people. But most of the time? It just drains my energy, and makes me feel exhausted. Another example from work showed the polar opposite... They asked me if I hated working there and I said "not really, no". To which they replied "well I'd hate to see you when you do hate it!". Referring to my facial expression... Which was perfectly neutral. I wasn't upset or anything at all. It just so happens that my neutral expression makes me look as though I'm upset, or in deep thought (sometimes); but more often upset.
I can't help it! Yeah, I'm at work and should be serving with a smile; and I was honestly trying, but for some reason I just couldn't switch it on at that exact time. So I got hurt from their comments, but what can I do really?
So anyway... I've really been struggling with everything social lately. /Especially/ at church, where everyone loves to hug each other when they greet each other... I don't want to be a horrible person, but I literally cannot stand it. I don't want to hug people! I don't want to be hugged! But it's the social convention, so what do I do? I cave. I allow it, as much as I feel uncomfortable. Because I don't want to seem rude, or anything else they may consider me to be.
I mean... I can barely hug my own mother. As a now 20-year old, this kills me. When I was younger, I barely noticed that I was unattached as a child and showed so little gratitude and love to my own mother. I am now 20 years old and am still struggling to try and turn things around. I want too, so badly! But it's like there are physical walls stopping me from doing such things. I am making progress though, as slow as it may be! But it's also difficult changing my relationship with my mother who knows what I'm like, and also expects me to turn into the kind of Christian she despises / has hurt her throughout her life. So you know... Makes things quite strained when I'm the only one in my family who attends church, and I can't really come home and talk about too much out of fear that she'll take something the wrong way or whatever...
I've also been struggling lately with the concepts of dreams versus visions.
People at my church are always talking about how they get promises from God and/or visions/pictures/words about their future and/or promises and/or anything! Which makes me relatively jealous and wistful... I'm very new to the religious world, I know that. But in a small matter of time I've been labelled a "princess" and told that He has promises for me that are going to be fulfilled, and my curiosity is at the brink as to what they are! Cause I'm somewhat clueless!
I've always had vivid daydreams of myself doing things my entire life.. I'm sure everyone does it. It's pretty normal. Most of mine have been centered on singing, as it's my passion...
So lately I've been struggling with trying to determine what may be promises from God being sent to me, and what may be just my brain daydreaming away as usual.
I'm the kind of person that sort of needs thing to be obvious... Like. Crazy obvious. Like in my face, there's nothing else it can be, obvious. Which means this whole not knowing thing is driving me crazy! :P
I will eventually seek out help to see if I can get anywhere with this issue, but in the meantime I'm planning on writing up a list of all the dreams I've had; and try to just dwell on them to see if any of them seem like they could be promises, or if they jump out at me and say "hey! I'm it! Pick me!" (which would be preferred to be honest, cause obviousness! :P). But yeah. I'm really just trying to stay focused on finishing this wildlife degree first, before starting to work out where I'm going with the rest of my life and these potential promises I may have.
So I found the 100 Happy Days Challenge on the internet and decided it was worth giving a fair shot. I have really been feeling that my life lacked any essence, or joy, or happiness lately; so I told myself to do this challenge so I can start finding happiness again. Before people comment with "But what about [K-Dawg]? Does he not make you happy?". He does. He does very much so! In fact, he was the only thing giving me happiness in my life before I started the challenge. Which is another reason why I started it. I can't depend on my loved one to provide me with my sole source of happiness. Which is why I set myself a mini challenge within the happy days challenge, to not have a picture involving [K-Dawg] solely providing me with happiness for that day; unless I did nothing else with my day, and I'm trying to limit it to just the one.
It's really hard to do! Particularly when I'm here at uni, and there are so little people left that I know to hang out with. Those that I do know are barely ever here and/or are out and about all the time. Oh, and I'm still anti-social so I barely ever leave my room. Cause ya know, that's just how I work! So I really struggled to find something every day for the first bit. I'm up to the twenties in days now, and it's a bit easier; but I'm still struggling. Mostly because my life is a constant routine at the moment. Monday-Friday - uni. Friday & Saturday night - work. Sunday - church and a little bit of socialising time.
This has caused time spent with [K-Dawg] to become much more limited as well, which initially made my mood decline; due to the fact that he was the only thing making me happy at the time, and I still feel like he is at the moment. But the happy days challenge is making small changes in how I think, so I'm sure by the end I will have a better outlook on everything; even if it's only slightly improved.
That's all I can think of! Again, this has turned more ranty and stuff but eh. I am on a long journey, and it is gonna take possibly even longer before I can completely see life and love through unfogged glasses.
Ciao y'all.
~Waking in the rubble, walking over glass~
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