A True Conflict

So I left my laptop at home when leaving for university... I have an exam on Friday that I now have to study for in the library, to be able to access all the information I need... Surrounded by people and sounds of clicking and typing and ugh. I don't like it! But I also have other things to talk about, hence this blog post... It's another ranty one (sorry, not sorry) so leave now if not interested.

The last church service I went too (yesterday) has left me more torn and confused than ever. The main message that I got from it was that God has placed dreams and goals on everyone's hearts, in which everything you are should go after them and all that jazz... I've kinda heard it all before, but for some reason it hit me extra hard yesterday and it's making me so incredibly upset.

I've said before how I'm not even sure if studying Wildlife Science is something I should waste three (now four) years of my life doing. I'm almost three quarters of the way now though, so I feel as though I have to keep going to the end. But it's making me bored. Unhappy. But it's also keeping me safe. Safe from a world I could potentially go into, that involves a lot more people watching what I do with less room for mistakes. No hiding in my little room on campus pretending that I know what I'm doing...

Side note: I'll probably be repeating myself from previous blog posts, but it makes it easier for me to write; so y'all can deal.

So my entire life I've always had crazy wild daydreams of me performing songs, or doing covers of them and putting them up on YouTube or things like that. It's always been music based, and the dreams make me happy and passionate. I don't think I've found anything that comes even close to how exhilarated I feel when I imagine myself blasting out a particular song on stage at church, or becoming one of the more well-known YouTube cover artists who people admire and look up too... Knowing that I could make a difference in someone's life through music is something I never thought about until recently, and it actually excites me quite a fair bit.

But here's the catch. I'm my own worst enemy. I am my biggest critic, to the point where I don't like anything I sing anymore. At all. Granted, I haven't been at full health; as well as the fact that I've never had proper training in singing, so I never warm up or treat my voice the way I should. But even when my voice was stronger and better, I never really liked what I did. I was the kid who always wanted a solo at some point, but then hated it when I actually got one; because I would then get nervous and stuff up all the time, and not sound as good as I thought I did in my shower/bedroom on my own.

I had the lead part for my school's musical in my last year there... It was a simple part as a mother and wife, and I got to sing The Call by Regina Spektor. I remember feeling insanely nervous every performance I sang the solo (which was only three times, thank goodness), and I remember one in particular when my throat was incredibly sore... I was so afraid that you could hear it in my voice right before my solo part. Thankfully, the scene was when I had lost my daughter and we were worried about her; so no one in the audience would've noticed. However, I remember throwing [Carl] off, making him temporarily forget his lines when I looked at him with genuine terror.

Not long ago I sang on stage at the church's end of year event for youth, and I remember being just as terrified in that performance. It's not so much having a sore throat that makes it worse, because it's generally me that causes my sore throats by panicking so much. I have no idea how to get over it either! People are always telling me that I have a nice voice, that I sound good, etc. But I always have severe doubts and thoughts that stop me from believing them. My main one is listening to people who are better than me (and there always will be people better than me, so I don't know why I get so affected..?) and just tell myself "what's the point? Why even try when that person is already above anywhere you could ever try to get too".

So, I stay with wildlife... Don't get me wrong, I love animals! They are a smaller passion and love of mine; I absolutely adore them. But when it comes to music? They kind of pale in comparison... But here I am! Two and a half years into a degree that I'm not 100% committed too, which will result in me being absolutely clueless when I actually graduate as to what career I will head into with it...

I just... I still get confused as to what God wants with me. Where He wants me to go, what He wants me to be. Is it music? In which case... Am I ever going to get over all the issues I have related to it? Caused by myself, as well as a few people's comments throughout my life... Or is animals where I belong? Am I wasting time with this degree? Is it worth finishing, so my HECS debt isn't completely for nothing..?
It's not like I can source out singing lessons on the side either, to see if I can maybe train my voice back up to strength and hear what I sound like then... Since I'm at university five days a week, with work and church taking up my weekend; I don't have time to give, nor money as it's all going to uni!

Sorry if this post is confusing, or seemingly pointless. I just really have no idea anymore as to what I'm doing with my life, and it's taking it's toll on my health and outlook on study... I mean, I just had a week of no classes designed purely for study and didn't do it any of those days... My first exam is on Friday, the other two are Monday and Tuesday next week. I have work all day Saturday... It is currently Monday night... I still haven't started! My work ethic is dropping more and more each semester, and it's kinda worrying me; but at the same time, it's still my "safe haven" from the music industry.

I'm just gonna finish there, before I go off on some weird tangent again!

~Is it right, or is it wrong?~

Challenges

Hey hey!

So, it's been a couple of months... To be honest, I didn't realise it had been so long; but then again, I have been quite preoccupied with multiple things and yeah... Time just runs away!

Just gonna get right into it really... Let's go!

Pretty much right after the last post, QPAC announced that The Lion King Musical is coming to Queensland at the end of the year... So I, of course, instantly snatched up another pair of tickets for [K-Dawg] and myself.. O:)

Unfortunately... Not long after that... There was another incident that occurred which involved [K-Dawg] and I's relationship, which involved a woman who isn't a parent of the either of us... But you know! It's behind us now, again, and we're continuing on like the power couple we are. Like seriously... If we were to ever break up in the future, it would have to be over something utterly disastrous; because the things we have been through! Yikes.

Eurovision also just happened! Well, happened recently at least... Which is basically the highlight of my year, every year. It's also just really good to catch up with [Phantomess], [Clearly Unfocused], [GoJo] and [Tenuto Tuo] as I so rarely see them nowadays. But this year was one of my favourites by far! So many good songs for me to listen to on repeat afterward!

Also went to go see the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham recently, which was a pretty good night! A bit too much promoting of products, if I could be completely honest... But I still ended up laughing at Achmed the Dead Terrorist's attacks on Ipswich and the weather in Queensland as a whole. Along with all the other jokes and his puppets!

Other than that I haven't been up to too much really! The MTV video is due this Friday, so things are pretty much wrapped up for that and editing is in the final stages. I actually got to sing in this one! Third time lucky, I suppose? But yeah... I only have four lines out of the whole thing, but it's better than nothing; and I'm happy to finally be able to say I sang in an MTV video at Uni! :P

I've been meeting new people, and getting thrown into plenty of social situations lately; both at university, and within church. Honestly, I'm just uncomfortable and unhappy about it majority of the time. I mean... I'm anti-social! Autistic! People are not for me! I literally had to hold back a laugh at work the other week when someone called me a "people-person". I mean... I can fake it a fair amount of the time, and seem like I like people. But most of the time? It just drains my energy, and makes me feel exhausted. Another example from work showed the polar opposite... They asked me if I hated working there and I said "not really, no". To which they replied "well I'd hate to see you when you do hate it!". Referring to my facial expression... Which was perfectly neutral. I wasn't upset or anything at all. It just so happens that my neutral expression makes me look as though I'm upset, or in deep thought (sometimes); but more often upset.

I can't help it! Yeah, I'm at work and should be serving with a smile; and I was honestly trying, but for some reason I just couldn't switch it on at that exact time. So I got hurt from their comments, but what can I do really?

So anyway... I've really been struggling with everything social lately. /Especially/ at church, where everyone loves to hug each other when they greet each other... I don't want to be a horrible person, but I literally cannot stand it. I don't want to hug people! I don't want to be hugged! But it's the social convention, so what do I do? I cave. I allow it, as much as I feel uncomfortable. Because I don't want to seem rude, or anything else they may consider me to be.
I mean... I can barely hug my own mother. As a now 20-year old, this kills me. When I was younger, I barely noticed that I was unattached as a child and showed so little gratitude and love to my own mother. I am now 20 years old and am still struggling to try and turn things around. I want too, so badly! But it's like there are physical walls stopping me from doing such things. I am making progress though, as slow as it may be! But it's also difficult changing my relationship with my mother who knows what I'm like, and also expects me to turn into the kind of Christian she despises / has hurt her throughout her life. So you know... Makes things quite strained when I'm the only one in my family who attends church, and I can't really come home and talk about too much out of fear that she'll take something the wrong way or whatever...

I've also been struggling lately with the concepts of dreams versus visions.
People at my church are always talking about how they get promises from God and/or visions/pictures/words about their future and/or promises and/or anything! Which makes me relatively jealous and wistful... I'm very new to the religious world, I know that. But in a small matter of time I've been labelled a "princess" and told that He has promises for me that are going to be fulfilled, and my curiosity is at the brink as to what they are! Cause I'm somewhat clueless!

I've always had vivid daydreams of myself doing things my entire life.. I'm sure everyone does it. It's pretty normal. Most of mine have been centered on singing, as it's my passion...
So lately I've been struggling with trying to determine what may be promises from God being sent to me, and what may be just my brain daydreaming away as usual.
I'm the kind of person that sort of needs thing to be obvious... Like. Crazy obvious. Like in my face, there's nothing else it can be, obvious. Which means this whole not knowing thing is driving me crazy! :P
I will eventually seek out help to see if I can get anywhere with this issue, but in the meantime I'm planning on writing up a list of all the dreams I've had; and try to just dwell on them to see if any of them seem like they could be promises, or if they jump out at me and say "hey! I'm it! Pick me!" (which would be preferred to be honest, cause obviousness! :P). But yeah. I'm really just trying to stay focused on finishing this wildlife degree first, before starting to work out where I'm going with the rest of my life and these potential promises I may have.

So I found the 100 Happy Days Challenge on the internet and decided it was worth giving a fair shot. I have really been feeling that my life lacked any essence, or joy, or happiness lately; so I told myself to do this challenge so I can start finding happiness again. Before people comment with "But what about [K-Dawg]? Does he not make you happy?". He does. He does very much so! In fact, he was the only thing giving me happiness in my life before I started the challenge. Which is another reason why I started it. I can't depend on my loved one to provide me with my sole source of happiness. Which is why I set myself a mini challenge within the happy days challenge, to not have a picture involving [K-Dawg] solely providing me with happiness for that day; unless I did nothing else with my day, and I'm trying to limit it to just the one.

It's really hard to do! Particularly when I'm here at uni, and there are so little people left that I know to hang out with. Those that I do know are barely ever here and/or are out and about all the time. Oh, and I'm still anti-social so I barely ever leave my room. Cause ya know, that's just how I work! So I really struggled to find something every day for the first bit. I'm up to the twenties in days now, and it's a bit easier; but I'm still struggling. Mostly because my life is a constant routine at the moment. Monday-Friday - uni. Friday & Saturday night - work. Sunday - church and a little bit of socialising time.
This has caused time spent with [K-Dawg] to become much more limited as well, which initially made my mood decline; due to the fact that he was the only thing making me happy at the time, and I still feel like he is at the moment. But the happy days challenge is making small changes in how I think, so I'm sure by the end I will have a better outlook on everything; even if it's only slightly improved.

That's all I can think of! Again, this has turned more ranty and stuff but eh. I am on a long journey, and it is gonna take possibly even longer before I can completely see life and love through unfogged glasses.

Ciao y'all.

~Waking in the rubble, walking over glass~

Milestones

*Ignores the judging stares as I, again, have taken forever to write another blog post*

Well hello!

So I just came out of the first meeting for this year's MTV video, and I'm pumped, and I'm wanting to write a post.. So here it is! Woo!

I'M NOW BALD! Just to remind y'all who read my blog two posts back, where I said I was raising money for the Leukaemia Foundation and shaving my head for it and everything... Yeah... I've been bald for two weeks now, and I'm nowhere near getting used to it!
I still have the sensation of having hair on my head, so I keep going around thinking I'm perfectly normal; until the multitudes of people stare at me and I remember and start feeling all self conscious. I'm not a fan of it, not gonna lie... It was interesting though, because the shock of having no hair anymore didn't hit me until around a day after the shaving occurred... In the shower (images out of your minds perverts), when I went to wash my hair... By just throwing my head under the water (saving money on shampoo and conditioner is an awesome bonus right now heh), and I almost broke down into tears. So yeah... Newest life adjustment is proving to be interesting... But through all the staring and people mistaking me to be a guy at times, I do have supportive people and comments that I still look good/beautiful/etc so... Thank goodness for those guys, otherwise I'd really be unhappy with my current hairdo right now!

I ended up raising just over $2,000 which is absolutely amazing! I couldn't be happier with that effort. I was also the first person who went for the 0 option when shaving. There were guys there opting for the 1 blade, but I went all the way. First girl who lit the way for the two other girls who did it as well. Can't help but feel accomplished over that ;)

Okay.. Let's back track to anything else that's happened over the last month or so...

I went to my old school to pick me brother up one afternoon and found that it was the most at peace I had ever been since leaving. Why? Because everyone who was involved, in any way, with causing me grief in the past was no longer a student there. I could walk up to the front of the grounds and not be afraid that [Riot!] could walk around the corner at any moment with his friends and I would have to deal with the awkward avoidance from him and the death glares from everyone around him. Regardless of my side of the story, or how I feel about things... I will, most likely, always be despised by them; and it hurts, a lot. I still miss [Riot!] and probably always will. He was in my life for a short period of time, but he was one of my closest friends; even before our relationship began. So it kills me that he thinks of me the way he does, because of the messy break up formed on a lot of misunderstanding and not talking things through... So yeah. It was nice to be able to stand on the grounds and not be paranoid for once. It instead gave me a chance to be nostalgic, which almost resulted in me crying... Would've been a good look, I'm sure :P
I miss my school friends. I mean... School makes it so easy to communicate with each other. You physically see each other day after day, so you talk and have fun. But after school? It's up to you to get in contact with your friends, and we all get lazy at some point or other... The awesome thing with my friends is that, whenever we do catch up it's like nothing has ever really changed. But outside of that? I barely communicate with them... It's not that I don't want too either! It's just awkward, I guess... In the sense that I'm used to talking to them in person, so through social media is weird for me to use to talk to them. Whereas, I have friends I'll communicate with more on social media than I do in person... And I guess that's dependent on how I met them, and/or how far away they live, or whatever...
One thing I've found recently is that.. I'm finding things out about my friends, but not by them directly. I'm finding out through other means. For instance, I found out recently that one of my friends is trans, and wants to be known as that. I get that it's a personal decision that would be difficult to bring up, and I'm not angry for finding out this way.. The thing that makes it difficult with finding out this way is that I then have absolutely no idea how to talk to them about it. Because I want to show support! I want to let that friend know that I love them regardless and want to be there for them... But how do I do that? Say "Hey, I was scrolling through social media and stumbled across this... Go you!" (Or something like that) Ya know... I find things like this hard. But hopefully, when we all catch up soon to watch Eurovision together; I can chat to everyone and let that friend know how I feel and all that jazz... Until then, I'll chill on social media and be as clueless as ever :P

I should move on... Move on to the Sydney trip...

SYDNEY!!!

Omgosh... Words can't even begin to explain this trip, like seriously. [K-Dawg] and I had the time of our lives in just three days, and I am constantly reliving it in my head and wanting to go back. Sydney itself, isn't overly fantastic... I mean, there are better places in the world that I want to get too eventually. But the two of us having complete freedom and fun, getting lost or whatever... Having no care in the world! That's what made it the best trip I have ever had so far.
We arrived and met our roommates at the backpackers we were staying at, who are absolutely amazing people! I would love to meet up with them again in the future! Downside: we can't remember their names... But minor details ;P They were wonderful people who shouted us dinner one night, and shared stories with us; which was comforting to us, as we were staying in a relatively dodgy backpackers... Made us feel safer sleeping at night, that was for sure :P
We had froyo at least twice during the trip... We couldn't help ourselves! But we also spent pretty much all three of the days just walking around different parts of the city. Our legs were absolutely dead by the end of it, but it was worth it. We got through a fair few of the sights and sounds of the city, and had a ball doing it. I also took [K-Dawg] to a games exhibition, where we wasted time playing games from when they first began to the games that are being produced nowadays. Classic Donkey Kong and Pacman... Really bad SingStar... A game that was created just for the exhibition... So many!!!
But the definite highlight of the weekend was the reason why we were there... And that was The Lion King Musical. Again... No words to explain... But it is now, hands down, the number one musical I have ever seen. I'm sorry Wicked, but you have been replaced...
We had the original woman playing Rafiki and she was more amazing live then on the recording... We had a guy debut his musical career as Simba, and he used to be a rugby player... No doubts were needed though, as he was absolutely amazing! Everything and everyone was breathtaking. [K-Dawg] and I were crying multiple times throughout... Out of emotion and laughter! You never knew what to feel because of the constant mood changes. It was so good, but so emotionally taxing haha! Being able to see the percussionists either side playing was awesome, along with animals coming through the audience during some scenes... The only regret I have is not pushing to find the stage door afterwards... But the usher I asked about it seemed hesitant and advised me against it, as well as the company we were with were wanting to have dinner as well... Next time I am definitely not going to leave it though!

... After that weekend, I really haven't up too anything interesting haha. Well, not so much in my eyes anyway ;P
I was mostly working as much as possible to save money to afford Halls fees this year, which is proving to be very difficult... But I'm hoping I can do it!

My mum took me out recently on a girls night to go see The Naked Magicians. ...Which was quite interesting to say the least.
Although, they weren't actually as naked as the title would suggest. In fact, for most of the show they were actually clothed. It wasn't until the last couple of tricks (in an hour long show) that one of the two got naked (you didn't see everything guys, his privates were always covered) and the second only got naked right at the end for the bow pretty much. Granted, it was still a good show. Very funny with a large amount of audience participation.

A little after that, I recorded my very first song... Which was terrifying! But yeah, I did a cover of If I Die Young by The Band Perry and that was in support of me trying to get funds for the shave... Don't think that got me donations as such, but it has some views now and I think I did alright I guess *Shrugs* Just don't ask [K-Dawg] cause he's biased.. ;P
But yeah, it was interesting to hear my voice playback to me for the first time... I really didn't like it to be honest haha. It sounds so much different to what I think I sound like. I feel like I have so much power behind it, and really I'm just wispy and meh. So it was a shock to find that out haha... Gonna have to work on it for sure!

I'm now back on Halls (obviously) and yeah... Back in Pitt. As much as I was saying in previous posts that I'm not so fond of Pitt anymore and want to move to Thynne, I find myself slowly back pedaling on those words... Last year was pretty terrible for me at Halls. The freshers weren't overly friendly so fitting in was hard. But this year's freshers and the hall overall, is making me fall back in love with Pitt. It's reminding me of why I fell in love first year... The longer I stay here, the more I want to stay; so yeah, I have a feeling I'm gonna stick it out and be a true Pittling for my third and final year.

I am also now a stage manager at my church! It's not an overly difficult job really... I just carry the pulpit on and off stage (since we have our services in a university lecture theatre) and hand the microphones over to whoever needs them and when. The main bonus to it is I get to wear a headset which is the communication between myself and everyone else on the production team. I never realised how much was behind the scenes, until I became a stage manager and was listening to the camera people talking to each other; competing with the people on lighting and/or sound. But it's quite fun at times, especially when sneaking in jokes to each other throughout the service... ;)

Apart from all of that, the only other recent thing that has happened to me would be the incident that occurred just yesterday at church.

We had a guest preacher who had been giving messages all weekend, but I only attended the last session which was the Sunday morning. His message went about 10-15 minutes over time he was that enthused about what he was talking about, and then for about an hour afterward a session started up... The young youth were at the front being filled with the Holy Spirit, as well as other people just praying and/or soaking in the atmosphere. Random people were being pointed out by the speaker as well who he felt pulled to pray/bless. I was pretty darn tired that day and I was just sitting down watching everything go down (while everyone else was standing). I had had a bad night the previous night and sleep had sucked, so I was just like "eh". But after the speaker had spoken healing over one woman, and given visions to another; he pointed me out and asked me to walk down to the front. It was unexpected, and threw me... I was scared about what he was going to tell me as well. I was anxious that he'd bring up that I looked upset or something and I'd have to explain or something... Thankfully it wasn't like that at all. He was just getting visions and prophesying over me, and the things he said just blew me away. I wrote down what I could remember later after this all happened... So it's not in complete sentences as he would've said it... But I'll give you the basic gist of what was spoken over me.

"Dancing at the front of the room, as a form of expression ~during worship?~.
Sees me on a stage
Involved in arts & entertainment - movies, film, etc.
Can see me in front and behind a camera lens
I will go to places the church would not dare
I'll be fighting lions
I will be seen by many people, and not so much heard. Though I will have a voice
I will be giving identity to people
I have inheritance over something already... (That part was hazy. I just remember the word inheritance)
I don't need to work very hard to get to where I'm headed. Most people need to go through points A, B, C, D, E etc... But God has basically said 'just go for it'.."

For me, the things he was saying to me were crazy. The man had never met me, ever. Only found out my name as I walked down the front and told him... I'm still new to all of this, but I can't help but be excited. I mean... By what he said... I can link it to my dreams of being in musical theatre and/or being on YouTube making covers of people's songs... Not everything he said made sense, but I guess that's to be expected... And I don't know what to make of everything that was said. But considering the words I received when I was baptised awhile back as well... Princess and the picture of a rainbow as well, meaning that promises will be fulfilled... I can't help but feel as though my dreams are maybe not dreams after all. That they might actually be promises for me, and I might actually get there. Who knows... I definitely still have "lions" to fight in terms of personal issues like self confidence and everything... But who knows. Maybe it all just means I'll be singing up the front of the church and that's it. Even if it is just that, I would be fairly happy with my life. But yeah... I honestly have no idea what to think of it all, and my brain is struggling to figure it out. I'm just gonna try and stop trying to work it out, and just let life live it's course... Gonna be hard to do, that's for sure!

I'm pretty sure I've ranted enough now... Hehe. Whoops...

~Love is ___~

Caution: Emotional Rant

I'm sick. I'm sick of shedding tears. I'm sick of trying to impress people. I'm sick of the "need" to fit in: to be accepted. I'm sick of not being able to be obliviously happy with my relationship due to constant fear lurking on my shoulder. I'm sick of taking out these pent up emotions on my boyfriend because there's nowhere/no one else I feel comfortable doing so.

I said to someone a while back that I would no longer write posts like these... When I'm emotional... But when this is the third, THE THIRD, round of hell that my boyfriend and I have to endure; excuse me this one time please...

Six months... That's how long it lasted. Six months of happiness. I almost got to the point where I thought that we'd passed it. That maybe we can last the rest of our relationship together before something popped up... But who am I kidding?

I'm not saying that I'm not in the wrong at all this time around, because I didn't respect a couple of things and... I don't wish to go into details. But, I can't help but think that it is such a minor issue compared to the major one surrounding it. Involving a lack of trust.

I have parents that raised me to trust until it is broken. So when I see people not trusting say, their own children, it baffles me. Particularly if those children are not children anymore... You'd think age would come with more opportunity/freedom and less boundaries. But I'm just finding that that's not the case at all!

But anyway... All I can think of is just how much I can't stand not being able to truly be myself. Not being able to enjoy my relationship without fear of people going to a pastor and gossiping that we "totally had sex last night" or that his car was at my house past midnight... Oooohhh watch out! A car at a house past midnight must clearly always mean sex guys, remember that. Being on your own for five minutes in a bedroom? Sex. Kissing him in the living room? Sex. Now you all know, be safe yeah? Right....

Even got told recently, by someone clearly making wrong assumptions, that if we "can't control ourselves" that we should just hurry up and get married already. Don't worry about the fact that he doesn't have a job or anything, it'll all work itself out... You have no idea how much this angered me. The thought that someone thinks I'm just a hornbag out to get some! Has it ever occurred to people that [K-Dawg] and I are not doing things like that?! That we are perfectly happy to wait until he has a stable job and can begin supporting us for the potential future?! Just... Why does it always lead to sex with relationships within a church?!?! This may be crazy: but IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THAT! Ugghhh!!!

One day... One day people will just leave us alone to have OUR relationship how we want it. We are the ones involved, not anyone else... One day...
Oh wait. That'll be after marriage. Cause that seems to be the only point where people finally leave you the fuck alone.

~Wake me up from this hell I'm living in~

Holiday Adventures

♫ It's been a whiiillleeee ♫

... Please forgive me! I have been incredibly lazy... O:)

I wouldn't be surprised if this is an exceedingly long post, so you have been warned! I have 2-3 months of stuff to catch up on, and there is a lot of stuff.... Believe me. Let's begin!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! WOOOO! I hope all your New Years Resolutions come true... Or, knowing most people, most of them have already probably been broken... Ah well! There's always next year ;)

Oh goodness, what have I been up too... Well... I did finish that last exam I was about to sit as I was writing the last blog post. Two hours of cramming left my hand cramping like crazy and my head swimming with tiredness and worry. But it turns out that I got 87% on that exam, so I did a heck of a lot better than I was expecting... I was terrified I wasn't even going to pass so, that was a blessing. This also meant that I passed all of my subjects that semester! Which was something I very much needed to hear after the struggle I had over the last two semesters before that.

So after that chapter closed on a good note, the next chapter posed questions about whether I was staying on Halls next year or not. I got accepted back in the first round (which is a first for me... I've never gotten first round offers before with Halls, it had always been second round), and I accepted. I'm back in Pitt (unfortunately) but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to stay on Halls for another year. It's easier for studying, and I just love it to pieces... I'm going to miss it so damn much when I won't be staying there anymore! The only issue with accepting is that I now have to watch my bank account very closely... And I mean extremely closely. Because I now have to pay the fees myself and even though I have two jobs, I'm barely getting enough shifts from either of them to be able to pay off the fees and have spending money on the side comfortably...
This is also creating a bit of an issue when it comes to tithing to the church as well. I was planning on starting this year, but I have held back from starting just yet due to worries that it'll cut into my already scarce income. And I know, I know... Tithing is all about giving so you can receive more, and just believing that He will take care of it all. But the logic side of my brain is giving an insane fight at the moment, and I'm finding it hard to just go blind and hope for the best... Again, I always find things like that difficult; though I am slowly working at it. But regardless, I've accepted. I'm paying the fees. Something will work out, I'm sure of it!

Then began the summer holidays! Already they've been filled with ice fights, Facebook shenanigans, tea towel fights and all sorts of other crazy activities; though I can't say it started off too fantastic...

The day before my final uni exam was a friend's formal, which [K-Dawg] was her date for. Now this I didn't have a problem with, as they're friends and whatever! What I did care about was the fact that one of the girls sitting on the table with them is the current girlfriend of my ex [Carl] who was also gonna be there. Well, even then... That wasn't exactly what bothered me. Love is love, and you can date whoever. The fact that they basically bitched about me the entire night? Openly? With my boyfriend being able to hear it all..? That's what killed me. [K-Dawg]'s fantastic memory ensured he could only tell a couple of things that they said, but that was enough to momentarily affect me badly.
I had honestly thought better of [Carl], and it really hurt that there were still petty rumours being spread about me even after I had left the school; so it really discouraged me to keep in contact with him even when I want to bring him to church and enjoy being friends with him still. I eventually struggled through it, and I'm back better than ever now! Anyone can say whatever they want about me, but I'm going to stay strong and keep doing what I'm doing regardless.

The other thing about the formal was the fact that I attended the pre-drinks of it... Where the parents/friends/family can hang for a while and get photos before being kicked out. This also meant that I was in a room full of students I used to be friendly with before the break up with [Riot!] and I. Judgmental glares and whispers were seen everywhere, but that didn't overly faze me compared to actually seeing [Riot!] himself for the first time since we ended things. I didn't talk to him, nor did he acknowledge my existence; but man was I hit with a crazy array of emotions all at once...

Due to the way we left things, when I saw [Riot!] I realised how many emotions I still had over the relationship that hadn't been dealt with. I'm not still in love with him, but I did still have traces of how I used to feel toward him there. I missed him... I still do! I can't stand leaving relationships on bad notes and, if I could help it, I would be friends with most of my exes still because they were good guys! (I say most, cause there are still the odd jerk or two...). I just wanted to run over and apologise and talk about Paramore or Charmed or anything else we used to get excited over together. We aren't good together as a couple, but I just wanted so badly to be friends with him again. To have it how it used to be before we started dating and things got all pear-shaped. I've gotten over it again now due to there being distance again, but I can't lie and say I still don't wish for it to happen one day... Not that I'm holding my breath.

Whether it was due to a heavy spike of emotion, or something else... I fell sick not long into the start of the holidays as well. Which was even better when I found out the air-conditioning at Subway wasn't working. A couple of shifts later, I had almost killed myself driving back home; which was a bit of an eye-opener for driving tired and sick... Don't do it guys, seriously. It was terrifying, even when there were few cars on the road.

I have been able to catch up with my groupies these holidays a couple of times already which has been awesomesauce! First, there was a celebration at [Clearly Unfocused]'s place for the end of the study year which was filled with Barbie, Twister and a strange Pokemon drinking game... [Phantomess]'s birthday was not long after, where we went out to par-tay in the city. Which also consisted of us driving my rather tipsy parents back from a work party, so there was a fair bit of hilarity involved there. The most recent get together was New Years where I held a party at my place, since I had the house to myself (score). There was 12 of us in total, and it was a good night! I managed to keep the house in one piece, except for one stain on the lounge-room floor... Someone had apparently brought in a drink when we went to watch the countdown and fireworks, and I was not aware of this; or the fact that they had spilled it! So, after a panic attack the next day, it was cleaned to the point where the stain itself isn't noticeable; but it's a clean patch compared to the rest of the worn carpet, so still relatively noticeable... >.> I tried my best parents, I really did!

But let's not forget about Christmas! This year I'm pretty sure I celebrated it at least... Three times. So by the time the third time came around, which was the actual day, it didn't even feel like the season anymore to be honest. It was first celebrated with the family and any partners of the children.. So basically [K-Dawg], and my sister's boyfriend. My brother's girlfriend was off holidaying in the US so was kinda difficult for her to join us... This was where I received a necklace and handbag from [K-Dawg], and a bible from his mother. A week later was just the family Christmas where we opened our presents, and was also my brother's birthday before we took off for Sydney to visit relatives.

A week was then spent in NSW where my 20th birthday was also thrown in. Woo! Yay for aging! My birthday was spent doing the Skywalk on the Sydney Tower which was pretty awesome, especially with the guide we had. It's all about who's taking you on the tour, seriously! Some people are just amazing at their jobs and leave you in stitches. Other than that, the rest of my birthday was pretty average; but such is the case when you're getting old I suppose :P Too expensive to do much else!

So... A little before all my Christmas/New Years adventures I got baptized in water, which was an interesting but amazing experience for me! I didn't feel any immediate difference, but being prayed for and hearing what I needed to hear from people who don't even know my story... It was just so amazing, and exactly what I needed. In particular, a fair few people kept getting the word Princess for me while praying; and while I didn't think much of it at the time, I now fully embrace the term and have realised exactly what it means to me and only me. I just had to get past the whole "I'm not worth anything" stage... Which, to be honest, I'm still struggling with... But progress!

Speaking of getting words, I am slowly learning that ability myself... While I haven't gotten any words for anyone yet, I have gotten a couple of visions; but haven't overly had the chance to practice more on it, since prayer sessions haven't been on over the holiday season. Of course there are other chances to practice... But I'm finding that those sessions are helping me most while I'm learning, and it's where I'm getting the most experiences to expand on. For example, a month before my water baptism I was baptized with the Holy Spirit in a prayer session; which opened up the ability to speak Tongues and find out if I had the gift to receive visions etc. That was very interesting for me... In a previous blog post I talked about Tongues and how uncomfortable I was with it and things like that... And, to be honest, at times I still am a little... Only because I don't know what I'm saying, and my brain just likes knowing these things! Also, I am still in the learning stage and have barely got a handle on it yet. I am still laughing at how ridiculous I sound at the moment, but I'm working through it so hopefully it evolves into something fluent and effortless to produce.

So yeah! A lot has been happening lately... But all the good things have come at a bit of a cost... It's been putting a massive strain on my relationship with the parents - my mother in particular - as they don't believe and are very set on never going down that path. Mum just thinks I'm going to end up like her hypocritical sister who hurt her and all these other things... I'm trying to prove otherwise, but it's quite difficult to work past how blinded she is to the fact that I haven't changed who I am; just who I follow after. I'm still the same [Miss Invisible]! I still talk to her, and involve her in my life... It was just difficult for a small period of time where there was a lot of religious events happening in my life and I didn't share them with Mum cause I thought she didn't want to hear it... Only to find her telling me that she still wants me to share with her. Even though I've tried discussing things like that with her in the past, and she's completely shut me down... So I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do! Just tread carefully I suppose.

Latest news: I am actively seeking donations in support of the Leukaemia Foundation, as I am planning on shaving my head in March in the World's Greatest Shave. My goal is around $2,500, and I so far have around $450 after a month of asking... I want to raise the amount so badly, but I'm honestly afraid I've set the bar too high. You'd think people would be willing to donate to such a great cause! I mean, a Facebook friend of mine got $1,000 within a week to get herself a dog for her birthday... Granted, she has more FB friends; but seriously?! I don't have anything against her getting a dog, but I really would've thought people would be more giving towards a charity that researches and helps those in need...

But anyways... [K-Dawg] and I also just recently had our one year anniversary! So that was nice to have in the midst of everything that's been happening. It honestly feels like we've been together for longer than that... In the good way that we just know each other so well, though I have noticed that our honeymoon period is slowly coming to an end :P Which I don't mind, cause it means we're just moving on to the next stage of our relationship together! It's just quite easy to spot the transition symptoms haha.

Add on an 11 and a half hour Laserforce marathon we went too recently and that basically sums up my holidays and what my life is like currently :P I have now run out of things to say... I don't even know how long this post is! Hopefully it's long enough for those dedicated readers that enjoy reading a lot about me... But I seriously need to blog more often, cause this post itself took about half a week to write up just out of laziness. I get less lazy when there's less to write :P

Until next time yo'

~Never let go of me, even when I'm sinking~