Hi guys!
Shock horror! I'm posting so soon after a recent post! *Collective gasp*
Yes... I am making my fingers suffer, and rambling my thoughts again. Why? Because my brain just won't switch off and leave me be! That's why! :P
There's basically two main topics that are on my mind currently.
1) The [Miss-Dawg] situation (as I have a bit more info on what's going on, but still in limbo; which, not gonna lie, is cheesing me off to no end).
And 2) Sex... But not in the way you're thinking guys! I'll explain further down the post when we get there, mmkay?
So... I'm going to start with the [Miss-Dawg] situation as it's hitting me hard at the moment. Like, incredibly.
After my last blog post, [K-Dawg]'s Mum sent me messages explaining everything to me that [K-Dawg] himself failed to do (honestly child... So hopeless!); and a lot of things make sense to me now, but at the same time there are so many more questions I can't help but be asking! I know, I know... I must be a real pain in the ass. But, I honestly can't help it! Trying to give a situation to an autistic girl and not expect her to pick it apart logically, is like asking an athlete to chop off a leg. It's a part of who I am! It took me long enough to throw logic aside and allow myself to completely embrace God without questioning it anymore; but I still can't help question everything else that comes with it. A curse, but a blessing as well I suppose.
Now... To explain what was explained to me!
One church member (I haven't been told who, but I've been told that they're quite close to me; so I have my assumptions) was said to have gone to the church and told them that I had blatantly refused becoming a Christian and going to church.
If it's the person I think it is, I have never felt so betrayed... I don't recall ever saying that I would never attend church. I can understand the not becoming a Christian part; because, when I first discovered God, I didn't want to give myself a "title" or anything. I just wanted it to be God and I; [Bestiality] put it in the most perfect way to me last night...
I'm standing at the beginning of a narrow pathway, with a group of 100 or so fellow Christians standing a few metres away. They're insisting that I go over and join them or, if not, that they at least come with me down along the path. But the path is way too narrow for that, plus it would just get crowded and be too much to handle after a period of time. There is the option to take one person with me though, as there is room for the two of us. Who would I take? Jesus of course. Who better to walk down the path of God with, then his own son? Those 100 or so people may complain, and may want to come with me and bring their insights along with it, but I don't want that... I want it to be me, and God. That is all. If church is a gathering of at least two people speaking in His name; let the church I attend just consist of myself and Jesus. At least until I am mentally and emotionally prepared to attend actual church sometime in the future.
People who know me should know that if I'm getting pressured into doing anything I don't want to do, I back off instantly. In the example of a horse: I'll rear up and fight it, gnashing at the bit and attempting to buck the problem off of my back. If you want cooperation, you have to give me the respect and space to want to do so. In the example of going to church: Asking me to attend it (for example: putting it in ways such as "people would think more highly of your relationship with [K-Dawg] if you went to church"), honestly, is just turning me off of it more. The more you push, the more I retreat. People should like/love me for who I am as a person, not over whether I attend church or not.
Heck! If church is the gathering of at least two people in His name; I go to it quite frequently. [Bestiality] and I have regular discussions over all things God and the bible and everything. But I won't dwell to much on this... Let's move onto the other thing that was mentioned about me.
Apparently; members of the church had read my blog post Confessions of a Tormented Soul and received the wrong impression about me... A recap for those who don't remember, or don't know what I wrote in that one: it was three days before [K-Dawg] and I started dating. I was talking about how I was struggling with the concept of dating him because of his beliefs when it comes to sex before marriage and I, not being a virgin, would have to fight through hormones to stay with him.
So... After reading this post... Church members decided to make the assumption that I was just out to take [K-Dawg]'s virginity.
Um. Excuse me? But WHAT?!
I can't even restrain myself right now. But that hurt. It felt like a slap to the face! The fact that people could make such a judgement about me, when they don't know me. As if I would ever do such a thing! Who do they think I am? The other disappointing thing is that they are then assuming that [K-Dawg] is incapable of standing up for himself and saying "no" if I were to ever make advances in that way. But the main problem I have with this is the lack of trust and faith in the relationship we have/had.
Ugh... Just thinking of people thinking of me as some "slut" out to take the virginity of her boyfriend, just because she lost hers a while back... It infuriates me! And it drove me insane every time I got a message saying "it's nothing personal", then they go on to explain everything that was being assumed about me! HOW IS THAT NOT PERSONAL? You made an assumption about me. And it affected your decision. Does it not say somewhere in the bible that no one should pass judgement onto others? No matter who they are, or what they've done? Everyone should be given the same opportunity to prove themselves. Which brings me to my next point!
Why would you break up [K-Dawg] and I if there is an issue about me taking his virginity? In my eyes it would make sense for us to stay together, to allow me the opportunity to /prove/ that I want nothing more than to be with [K-Dawg] for who he is, and how happy he makes me when we're together. We've been together for just under two months, and he has already taught me so much and I've become a better person out of it. I've rediscovered what a relationship is /supposed/ to mean to someone. Going back to the raw basics. No sex. No pressure from either party. Nothing but pure affection. Being the best of friends, with that little spark more.
I guess that's why I'm suffering so much at the moment. I've had the second centre of my world (God & family being the first) stripped away from me because of false accusations on me as a person; when it was the complete opposite because of him! Just being with him was opening my heart more to the world and God, and it made me more interested in learning about it all and going to church eventually... I'm not saying I couldn't have made this journey on my own, because I definitely could have; but he's someone I can turn too about all this and know I'll find comfort and support there...
It was mentioned to me that it's recommended that [K-Dawg] and I "take it slow" and just stay friends for a while... This one has me a little confused because... As far as I'm aware... I don't think it's really possible for [K-Dawg] and I to go any slower! We were perfect where we were at! Like I said earlier, best friends with a little spark. We weren't doing anything that could be considered as "moving fast", and when people said we should get to know each other better first; well, umm... There's really not much else for us to learn about each other, that doesn't come with being in a relationship. As soon as we first became just friends, we talked heaps and got to know each other quickly through that way. And, since getting together, we're still learning things (as true relationships should); but we're so comfortable and open with each other, it's just been so effortless.
So... As much as I don't want to go against the church's wishes... I can't help but see flaws with what they're asking of me.
I'm out to take his virginity: I've already stated that I would never do this! I respect and admire [K-Dawg] for his stead-fast beliefs and would never dream of swaying him from them. You want proof? You won't get it until you allow us to be in a relationship. Breaking us up and making us friends is not going to prove that to you. If we were to get back together eventually, the 'fear' of the 'issue' may still most likely be there. Proof comes with being tested; and that's the only fair test I can think of currently.
I refuse to be a Christian and/or attend church: Neither is true. I am attending a form of church currently. Whether you count it with [Bestiality] or just me and Jesus himself... But, especially after recent circumstances have somewhat made me retreat a little further back, I am just not ready to attend a full on church just yet. That's who I am, and I'm not going to change for anyone or anything.
You should "take it slow": Like I said earlier... I think it's almost impossible to go any slower than we are/were. I don't want things to go faster, as I'm perfectly happy with how things were. But honestly?! How can we go slower?! This makes no sense to me...
So yeah... I really hope some people don't read this and take it the wrong way. You HAVE to remember that I am not out to change anyone's beliefs or anything like that. These are just my personal views and thoughts on the situation I've been given. If you disagree with me, that's fine! That's life! If everyone believed the same thing, we'd live in a boring world! A perfect world is when people finally realise that it's okay for people to have different views to you, but nobody pushes anyone else into having the same values/beliefs as you do. Everyone just accepts everybody for who they are. Christian. Non-Christian. Gay. Autistic. Black. White. Come on people! Animals don't do this?! At the end of the day... WE'RE ALL ANIMALS! Yes, we may have more intelligence. But, I swear, with more intelligence comes more ignorance and stupidity. Everything we do, stems off of natural animalistic instincts. Take time to think about it, and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Animals don't judge others in their species. They have gay animals, and animals that range in all colours; and yet you rarely hear stories of animals abandoning them because of that!
So yeah... Now that I managed to somehow include animals into my blog, without even intending to do so, I wish to move on to my next topic that's really shaken me to the core; especially as I came to this realisation merely three to four hours ago.
It's the beginning of Sex Awareness Week at University; which is basically a week trying to promote awareness about safe sex and all that jazz. The main activity that's happening this week is that you have to carry a condom with you at all times. Members of the Res Club each have been given bands with a specific disease on them; and are going to be going round asking random people at random times "Do you have a condom?". If you have one on you, nothing happens to you. If you don't, they will give you a band with their disease that you just "contracted" from them... It sounds weird or whatever, but it's Uni guys! They're trying to make being aware more entertaining. Although, there will always be those people that go round with no condom basically going "Give me all the diseases!!" aaaand ending up with a whole heap of bands by the end of the week... Truly hilariously terrible :P
But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about...
To kick off this week, we had a guest speaker come in to talk to us about rape and all the forms of it. He talked to us about date-rape, stranger-rape, indecent assault, sexual assault, etc. It was separated into a girl talk and guy talk; and in our girl talk, he gave us all a guaranteed way to get out of any situation that could go badly and was quite entertaining throughout.
However, about half way through the talk, I suddenly hit a realisation... He was talking about rape and what defines it; and as he was doing so I had to restrain from breaking down mid talk. Why?
... Because I realised that I have, unknowingly, been raped.
The thing that hurt the most? Was the fact that I realised that it wasn't a stranger who did it to me either... It was an ex boyfriend. Specifically THE ex boyfriend... The one I talk about a fair bit... The one who (Oh wow, I've even mentioned this before!) took my virginity when I wasn't prepared...
Now... I always considered that as partial rape... Seeing as I was not ready or completely willing to lose it at the point I did. But he kept pushing and pushing; and me, being the kind of person I am, eventually gave in and just thought I was ready to do it...
But another thing I realised was that... That wasn't the only time he raped me. Rape doesn't just cover sex. It covers any sexual act. And... I realised that, through most of our relationship, I was unknowingly being raped... I didn't think of it that way at the time... But ever since getting that talk, it's so obvious! And it tore me up thinking about it... Thinking how someone I cared so much for, at the time, could do such things to me... But then again, it makes so much sense... He manipulated me. Used my feelings to twist my way of thinking to suit his... And to think he was a Christian as well...
Yet, regardless of everything I just said... I still can't hate him, or look down on him in any way. It's just not who I am... I believe in forgiving, and just remembering the good memories that we shared. As much as it hurts to have come to this realisation; life is too short to hold grudges, hate, or pass judgement against anyone.
But yeah! After that talk, I literally took the time to thank God for opening my eyes to the truth of my past, and how happy I am (well, somewhat was...) with the present. Having to restrain from pouring my heart out to the guy who had given me nothing but support and love until a week or so ago is tough... Knowing what we had, and how much he was already "healing" some of the scars from my past; only to have them semi-ripped open again from the pain and torture of the ultimatum placed before us, and the judgement I received in the process. I know people may be sick of reading about this by now... And I do apologise... I honestly hope things work out soon and I can go back to writing more positive posts! But since my posts are based on my life, it's somewhat difficult currently...
Two days until it would be [K-Dawg] and I's two month anniversary... I should be blissfully happy, and maybe even preparing to be overly cheesy in a couple days time... What am I doing instead? Restraining from telling the guy I love that I do, so very much; and trying to get rid of the searing pain in my chest coming from having everything stripped away from me when we were still in the "honeymoon period" so to speak.
Aaaaand I think I'm going to end the post here before the tears that are threatening to escape manage to break free..
Everyone! Stay cheerful! If not for me, then for yourself. Because everyone deserves happiness :) <3
~Here lies the girl who's only crutch was loving one man just a little too much...~
Shock horror! I'm posting so soon after a recent post! *Collective gasp*
Yes... I am making my fingers suffer, and rambling my thoughts again. Why? Because my brain just won't switch off and leave me be! That's why! :P
There's basically two main topics that are on my mind currently.
1) The [Miss-Dawg] situation (as I have a bit more info on what's going on, but still in limbo; which, not gonna lie, is cheesing me off to no end).
And 2) Sex... But not in the way you're thinking guys! I'll explain further down the post when we get there, mmkay?
So... I'm going to start with the [Miss-Dawg] situation as it's hitting me hard at the moment. Like, incredibly.
After my last blog post, [K-Dawg]'s Mum sent me messages explaining everything to me that [K-Dawg] himself failed to do (honestly child... So hopeless!); and a lot of things make sense to me now, but at the same time there are so many more questions I can't help but be asking! I know, I know... I must be a real pain in the ass. But, I honestly can't help it! Trying to give a situation to an autistic girl and not expect her to pick it apart logically, is like asking an athlete to chop off a leg. It's a part of who I am! It took me long enough to throw logic aside and allow myself to completely embrace God without questioning it anymore; but I still can't help question everything else that comes with it. A curse, but a blessing as well I suppose.
Now... To explain what was explained to me!
One church member (I haven't been told who, but I've been told that they're quite close to me; so I have my assumptions) was said to have gone to the church and told them that I had blatantly refused becoming a Christian and going to church.
If it's the person I think it is, I have never felt so betrayed... I don't recall ever saying that I would never attend church. I can understand the not becoming a Christian part; because, when I first discovered God, I didn't want to give myself a "title" or anything. I just wanted it to be God and I; [Bestiality] put it in the most perfect way to me last night...
I'm standing at the beginning of a narrow pathway, with a group of 100 or so fellow Christians standing a few metres away. They're insisting that I go over and join them or, if not, that they at least come with me down along the path. But the path is way too narrow for that, plus it would just get crowded and be too much to handle after a period of time. There is the option to take one person with me though, as there is room for the two of us. Who would I take? Jesus of course. Who better to walk down the path of God with, then his own son? Those 100 or so people may complain, and may want to come with me and bring their insights along with it, but I don't want that... I want it to be me, and God. That is all. If church is a gathering of at least two people speaking in His name; let the church I attend just consist of myself and Jesus. At least until I am mentally and emotionally prepared to attend actual church sometime in the future.
People who know me should know that if I'm getting pressured into doing anything I don't want to do, I back off instantly. In the example of a horse: I'll rear up and fight it, gnashing at the bit and attempting to buck the problem off of my back. If you want cooperation, you have to give me the respect and space to want to do so. In the example of going to church: Asking me to attend it (for example: putting it in ways such as "people would think more highly of your relationship with [K-Dawg] if you went to church"), honestly, is just turning me off of it more. The more you push, the more I retreat. People should like/love me for who I am as a person, not over whether I attend church or not.
Heck! If church is the gathering of at least two people in His name; I go to it quite frequently. [Bestiality] and I have regular discussions over all things God and the bible and everything. But I won't dwell to much on this... Let's move onto the other thing that was mentioned about me.
Apparently; members of the church had read my blog post Confessions of a Tormented Soul and received the wrong impression about me... A recap for those who don't remember, or don't know what I wrote in that one: it was three days before [K-Dawg] and I started dating. I was talking about how I was struggling with the concept of dating him because of his beliefs when it comes to sex before marriage and I, not being a virgin, would have to fight through hormones to stay with him.
So... After reading this post... Church members decided to make the assumption that I was just out to take [K-Dawg]'s virginity.
Um. Excuse me? But WHAT?!
I can't even restrain myself right now. But that hurt. It felt like a slap to the face! The fact that people could make such a judgement about me, when they don't know me. As if I would ever do such a thing! Who do they think I am? The other disappointing thing is that they are then assuming that [K-Dawg] is incapable of standing up for himself and saying "no" if I were to ever make advances in that way. But the main problem I have with this is the lack of trust and faith in the relationship we have/had.
Ugh... Just thinking of people thinking of me as some "slut" out to take the virginity of her boyfriend, just because she lost hers a while back... It infuriates me! And it drove me insane every time I got a message saying "it's nothing personal", then they go on to explain everything that was being assumed about me! HOW IS THAT NOT PERSONAL? You made an assumption about me. And it affected your decision. Does it not say somewhere in the bible that no one should pass judgement onto others? No matter who they are, or what they've done? Everyone should be given the same opportunity to prove themselves. Which brings me to my next point!
Why would you break up [K-Dawg] and I if there is an issue about me taking his virginity? In my eyes it would make sense for us to stay together, to allow me the opportunity to /prove/ that I want nothing more than to be with [K-Dawg] for who he is, and how happy he makes me when we're together. We've been together for just under two months, and he has already taught me so much and I've become a better person out of it. I've rediscovered what a relationship is /supposed/ to mean to someone. Going back to the raw basics. No sex. No pressure from either party. Nothing but pure affection. Being the best of friends, with that little spark more.
I guess that's why I'm suffering so much at the moment. I've had the second centre of my world (God & family being the first) stripped away from me because of false accusations on me as a person; when it was the complete opposite because of him! Just being with him was opening my heart more to the world and God, and it made me more interested in learning about it all and going to church eventually... I'm not saying I couldn't have made this journey on my own, because I definitely could have; but he's someone I can turn too about all this and know I'll find comfort and support there...
It was mentioned to me that it's recommended that [K-Dawg] and I "take it slow" and just stay friends for a while... This one has me a little confused because... As far as I'm aware... I don't think it's really possible for [K-Dawg] and I to go any slower! We were perfect where we were at! Like I said earlier, best friends with a little spark. We weren't doing anything that could be considered as "moving fast", and when people said we should get to know each other better first; well, umm... There's really not much else for us to learn about each other, that doesn't come with being in a relationship. As soon as we first became just friends, we talked heaps and got to know each other quickly through that way. And, since getting together, we're still learning things (as true relationships should); but we're so comfortable and open with each other, it's just been so effortless.
So... As much as I don't want to go against the church's wishes... I can't help but see flaws with what they're asking of me.
I'm out to take his virginity: I've already stated that I would never do this! I respect and admire [K-Dawg] for his stead-fast beliefs and would never dream of swaying him from them. You want proof? You won't get it until you allow us to be in a relationship. Breaking us up and making us friends is not going to prove that to you. If we were to get back together eventually, the 'fear' of the 'issue' may still most likely be there. Proof comes with being tested; and that's the only fair test I can think of currently.
I refuse to be a Christian and/or attend church: Neither is true. I am attending a form of church currently. Whether you count it with [Bestiality] or just me and Jesus himself... But, especially after recent circumstances have somewhat made me retreat a little further back, I am just not ready to attend a full on church just yet. That's who I am, and I'm not going to change for anyone or anything.
You should "take it slow": Like I said earlier... I think it's almost impossible to go any slower than we are/were. I don't want things to go faster, as I'm perfectly happy with how things were. But honestly?! How can we go slower?! This makes no sense to me...
So yeah... I really hope some people don't read this and take it the wrong way. You HAVE to remember that I am not out to change anyone's beliefs or anything like that. These are just my personal views and thoughts on the situation I've been given. If you disagree with me, that's fine! That's life! If everyone believed the same thing, we'd live in a boring world! A perfect world is when people finally realise that it's okay for people to have different views to you, but nobody pushes anyone else into having the same values/beliefs as you do. Everyone just accepts everybody for who they are. Christian. Non-Christian. Gay. Autistic. Black. White. Come on people! Animals don't do this?! At the end of the day... WE'RE ALL ANIMALS! Yes, we may have more intelligence. But, I swear, with more intelligence comes more ignorance and stupidity. Everything we do, stems off of natural animalistic instincts. Take time to think about it, and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Animals don't judge others in their species. They have gay animals, and animals that range in all colours; and yet you rarely hear stories of animals abandoning them because of that!
So yeah... Now that I managed to somehow include animals into my blog, without even intending to do so, I wish to move on to my next topic that's really shaken me to the core; especially as I came to this realisation merely three to four hours ago.
It's the beginning of Sex Awareness Week at University; which is basically a week trying to promote awareness about safe sex and all that jazz. The main activity that's happening this week is that you have to carry a condom with you at all times. Members of the Res Club each have been given bands with a specific disease on them; and are going to be going round asking random people at random times "Do you have a condom?". If you have one on you, nothing happens to you. If you don't, they will give you a band with their disease that you just "contracted" from them... It sounds weird or whatever, but it's Uni guys! They're trying to make being aware more entertaining. Although, there will always be those people that go round with no condom basically going "Give me all the diseases!!" aaaand ending up with a whole heap of bands by the end of the week... Truly hilariously terrible :P
But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about...
To kick off this week, we had a guest speaker come in to talk to us about rape and all the forms of it. He talked to us about date-rape, stranger-rape, indecent assault, sexual assault, etc. It was separated into a girl talk and guy talk; and in our girl talk, he gave us all a guaranteed way to get out of any situation that could go badly and was quite entertaining throughout.
However, about half way through the talk, I suddenly hit a realisation... He was talking about rape and what defines it; and as he was doing so I had to restrain from breaking down mid talk. Why?
... Because I realised that I have, unknowingly, been raped.
The thing that hurt the most? Was the fact that I realised that it wasn't a stranger who did it to me either... It was an ex boyfriend. Specifically THE ex boyfriend... The one I talk about a fair bit... The one who (Oh wow, I've even mentioned this before!) took my virginity when I wasn't prepared...
Now... I always considered that as partial rape... Seeing as I was not ready or completely willing to lose it at the point I did. But he kept pushing and pushing; and me, being the kind of person I am, eventually gave in and just thought I was ready to do it...
But another thing I realised was that... That wasn't the only time he raped me. Rape doesn't just cover sex. It covers any sexual act. And... I realised that, through most of our relationship, I was unknowingly being raped... I didn't think of it that way at the time... But ever since getting that talk, it's so obvious! And it tore me up thinking about it... Thinking how someone I cared so much for, at the time, could do such things to me... But then again, it makes so much sense... He manipulated me. Used my feelings to twist my way of thinking to suit his... And to think he was a Christian as well...
Yet, regardless of everything I just said... I still can't hate him, or look down on him in any way. It's just not who I am... I believe in forgiving, and just remembering the good memories that we shared. As much as it hurts to have come to this realisation; life is too short to hold grudges, hate, or pass judgement against anyone.
But yeah! After that talk, I literally took the time to thank God for opening my eyes to the truth of my past, and how happy I am (well, somewhat was...) with the present. Having to restrain from pouring my heart out to the guy who had given me nothing but support and love until a week or so ago is tough... Knowing what we had, and how much he was already "healing" some of the scars from my past; only to have them semi-ripped open again from the pain and torture of the ultimatum placed before us, and the judgement I received in the process. I know people may be sick of reading about this by now... And I do apologise... I honestly hope things work out soon and I can go back to writing more positive posts! But since my posts are based on my life, it's somewhat difficult currently...
Two days until it would be [K-Dawg] and I's two month anniversary... I should be blissfully happy, and maybe even preparing to be overly cheesy in a couple days time... What am I doing instead? Restraining from telling the guy I love that I do, so very much; and trying to get rid of the searing pain in my chest coming from having everything stripped away from me when we were still in the "honeymoon period" so to speak.
Aaaaand I think I'm going to end the post here before the tears that are threatening to escape manage to break free..
Everyone! Stay cheerful! If not for me, then for yourself. Because everyone deserves happiness :) <3
~Here lies the girl who's only crutch was loving one man just a little too much...~
1 comment:
Aww Jade! *hugs* <3
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