So I've been stressing... Just a fair bit lately... Over what you ask? Men. Well, specifically one man. And morals... And wondering if it makes me a terrible person and all this jazz... Yeah! Whew. Let's just... Start over, yeah?
So, as I stated in my last post, I have currently began to fall for a guy who's Christian beliefs have my head spinning.
The ridiculous thing is... The /only/ thing potentially stopping us from getting together (apart from the fact that he most likely does not return these feelings) is the fact that he believes in no sex until marriage; and I don't know how I'd deal with that.
Honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm somewhat disgusted with myself that that is all that is literally stopping me... It seems so selfish. So... Whore-ish, to an extent. Can I help it?! Of course I can! It'll just be difficult. I lost my virginity at a time when I thought I was ready, but clearly wasn't... And... It's hard to explain without going into what some people may feel uncomfortable reading about... But it basically comes down to hormones. Once you've had even a taste of something, you can't help but want to go back for more. It's truly irritating.
Currently? All I want are cuddles. No joke... I miss being cuddled so much! I mean, let's face it... The entirety of last year I spent practically alone. I had a boyfriend; yet received barely any form of affection. I ended up resorting to cuddling up with a guy friend once or twice just to appease me. I felt guilty as I did have a boyfriend; but at the same time, all we did was cuddle! And I had been deprived from my own boyfriend to the point where I just gave in...
I just want to hold hands with someone while walking down the street... Be able to lean on them and have them drape their arm around me... Cuddles, small kisses, being stupid... That's all I really want right now! Yes, I know my hormones will eventually come back into action and want more; but I can repress that a lot easier than I can repress the cravings for just pure, simple affection.
So yeah! That's my life currently. Stressing over this one guy, and how ridiculous I'm being. He's a great guy! Am I seriously gonna give up the opportunity over a frickin' hormone problem? Or is it something else..? I don't know! And that's what's currently driving me insane. Insane to the point that I'm now writing this blog post! Insane to the point where you are probably reading this going "What the heck? [Miss Invisible] has truly gone off the rails this time!"
No m' dears... That was a long time ago ;)
But seriously. I barely know what to think anymore; apart from the fact that I should stop falling for guys that cause me stress! :P
Random side note: I got an e-mail today from a lady from my Uni who has recently been in correspondence with a guy who works with Australia's Got Talent saying that he would like to see myself (along with a few others) audition for it this year. For those who don't know what that is, Google that shit!
Now... He didn't say me personally, obviously. He meant people who had entered in Gatton's Got Talent (a very minor, fun version of AGT); but the fact remains... I mean, I entered GGT with the Gatton Campus Choir which earned us second place... I didn't enter it solo. Yet, when I checked the e-mail list; I was the only one from the choir they had contacted. Now... Whether that's because some of the members aren't students, or if they only knew mine and are expecting me to contact the rest of the choir, or whether she was really just after me... I don't know... But I know for a fact (no offence guys) that the choir would not make it. We're too rough around the edges, members are coming & going all the time, and we all have our own lives meaning we all wouldn't be available to devote time to the competition.
Regardless. This e-mail has me stressing like crazy. I feel as though my voice is nowhere near good enough. The amount of sore throats I have had, and how I would continue singing through it anyway... I have never properly trained myself... My voice is incredibly raw and sounds terrible whenever in front of other people. On my own? I tolerate it. In a bathroom? It sounds awesome! Though that's cause of the acoustics, not my actual voice. And besides... In AGT you have to improve each week on your own accord. /I/ would have to think of better songs to sing each week... Finding a way to improve... I can't do that! Picking an audition song will be enough to hospitalise me for a week, let alone finding more... And improving? HA! Doubtful... You see? This is my brain in stress mode. I can't even comprehend things. I just ramble endlessly. Hopelessly. I get nowhere. What does it get me? Nothing. Where would I get with AGT? Nowhere.
I'm not good enough. Enough said. I can't do it... Besides... I have Uni work... Right? RIGHT!?
...Okay. It's time to go before I truly send myself over the edge.
Thanks for putting up with this pathetic excuse for a post; and I hope to still catch y'all later with a more light-hearted, stress-free one in the future, yeah?
~Mind's playin' tricks on me. I'm paranoid homie. Nobody knows what I'm goin' through, oh I'm so lonely! I know I'm losing it, I'm hearing whispering...~
So, as I stated in my last post, I have currently began to fall for a guy who's Christian beliefs have my head spinning.
The ridiculous thing is... The /only/ thing potentially stopping us from getting together (apart from the fact that he most likely does not return these feelings) is the fact that he believes in no sex until marriage; and I don't know how I'd deal with that.
Honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm somewhat disgusted with myself that that is all that is literally stopping me... It seems so selfish. So... Whore-ish, to an extent. Can I help it?! Of course I can! It'll just be difficult. I lost my virginity at a time when I thought I was ready, but clearly wasn't... And... It's hard to explain without going into what some people may feel uncomfortable reading about... But it basically comes down to hormones. Once you've had even a taste of something, you can't help but want to go back for more. It's truly irritating.
Currently? All I want are cuddles. No joke... I miss being cuddled so much! I mean, let's face it... The entirety of last year I spent practically alone. I had a boyfriend; yet received barely any form of affection. I ended up resorting to cuddling up with a guy friend once or twice just to appease me. I felt guilty as I did have a boyfriend; but at the same time, all we did was cuddle! And I had been deprived from my own boyfriend to the point where I just gave in...
I just want to hold hands with someone while walking down the street... Be able to lean on them and have them drape their arm around me... Cuddles, small kisses, being stupid... That's all I really want right now! Yes, I know my hormones will eventually come back into action and want more; but I can repress that a lot easier than I can repress the cravings for just pure, simple affection.
So yeah! That's my life currently. Stressing over this one guy, and how ridiculous I'm being. He's a great guy! Am I seriously gonna give up the opportunity over a frickin' hormone problem? Or is it something else..? I don't know! And that's what's currently driving me insane. Insane to the point that I'm now writing this blog post! Insane to the point where you are probably reading this going "What the heck? [Miss Invisible] has truly gone off the rails this time!"
No m' dears... That was a long time ago ;)
But seriously. I barely know what to think anymore; apart from the fact that I should stop falling for guys that cause me stress! :P
Random side note: I got an e-mail today from a lady from my Uni who has recently been in correspondence with a guy who works with Australia's Got Talent saying that he would like to see myself (along with a few others) audition for it this year. For those who don't know what that is, Google that shit!
Now... He didn't say me personally, obviously. He meant people who had entered in Gatton's Got Talent (a very minor, fun version of AGT); but the fact remains... I mean, I entered GGT with the Gatton Campus Choir which earned us second place... I didn't enter it solo. Yet, when I checked the e-mail list; I was the only one from the choir they had contacted. Now... Whether that's because some of the members aren't students, or if they only knew mine and are expecting me to contact the rest of the choir, or whether she was really just after me... I don't know... But I know for a fact (no offence guys) that the choir would not make it. We're too rough around the edges, members are coming & going all the time, and we all have our own lives meaning we all wouldn't be available to devote time to the competition.
Regardless. This e-mail has me stressing like crazy. I feel as though my voice is nowhere near good enough. The amount of sore throats I have had, and how I would continue singing through it anyway... I have never properly trained myself... My voice is incredibly raw and sounds terrible whenever in front of other people. On my own? I tolerate it. In a bathroom? It sounds awesome! Though that's cause of the acoustics, not my actual voice. And besides... In AGT you have to improve each week on your own accord. /I/ would have to think of better songs to sing each week... Finding a way to improve... I can't do that! Picking an audition song will be enough to hospitalise me for a week, let alone finding more... And improving? HA! Doubtful... You see? This is my brain in stress mode. I can't even comprehend things. I just ramble endlessly. Hopelessly. I get nowhere. What does it get me? Nothing. Where would I get with AGT? Nowhere.
I'm not good enough. Enough said. I can't do it... Besides... I have Uni work... Right? RIGHT!?
...Okay. It's time to go before I truly send myself over the edge.
Thanks for putting up with this pathetic excuse for a post; and I hope to still catch y'all later with a more light-hearted, stress-free one in the future, yeah?
~Mind's playin' tricks on me. I'm paranoid homie. Nobody knows what I'm goin' through, oh I'm so lonely! I know I'm losing it, I'm hearing whispering...~
2 comments:
what the fuck! who writes this shit! its called get a dildo and fuck yourself.
fuck off mika you wanker! take that dildo and shove it where the sun dont shine!! good luck with Australia's got talent.
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