Have you ever felt an amazingly strong emotion towards someone or something, but never be able to describe it to your liking? You can try to, but you stumble or the words just never seem to begin to describe how you really truly feel... While reading [Tenuto Tuo]'s adorable blog post about his boyfriend; it made me think of times when I felt that way...
Like, when I went to see WICKED the first time with [Carl]... I had been waiting so long to see it! I was insanely excited and happy that I was spending it with him :).
During the interval of the musical, I was sitting in the seat with my heart racing a million miles an hour, completely breathless and speechless! But that's not half of what I was thinking and feeling... But, as I said above. I just can't explain it! I can try... I can use words such as exhilarating, amazing, body melting... (I literally could not move for a good couple of minutes after Defying Gravity... I had sunk into that chair, completely mesmerised and was not coming out anytime soon...) But none of those words can ever come close to how I was really truly feeling and thinking...
[Tenuto Tuo]'s post also made me think of those moments where I have felt an amazingly strong feeling of love towards someone... I'm not just talking about my ex-boyfriend! I also feel this way towards my dogs (sometimes...) and my friends! :)
In the case of romantic love... Maybe this hasn't happened to you; but I have always found it difficult to express it. It's not that I'm heartless or selfish; wanting all attention on me! (Hell no...) It's more due to the fact that:
A) I don't always know how to express it (being autistic can have its downsides...) and
B) I never feel like what I do is enough!
I can be quite a hopeless romantic at times... I guess I think along similar lines to [Clearly Unfocused]... Not quite to the point of comparing any potential suitor to anime characters... But I love the idea of my life being somewhat like a musical (chyeah like THAT'S ever gonna happen...). Me being a singer; I've always loved the idea of singing a romantic duet with a guy I really like or am absolutely smitten with... I honestly do not care if they don't have the 'greatest' voice, I don't care one bit! It's the meaning and the amazing connection beneath it... Such a connection that I can't describe at all, but you almost want to so you can find out if the other person is feeling the same way... But then you don't because you don't want to ruin the moment...
Has anyone ever felt that way? Has anyone ever had a moment, or a memory where they felt something truly amazing (doesn't have to be romantic love), but didn't say anything due to any of the following reasons:
- Didn't want to ruin the moment
- Didn't know how to begin to describe how you felt
- Didn't want the other person/people to think you were weird/sappy/insert random unwanted depiction here
- Unsure if what you're feeling is real or if it's something else
- Any other reason that you can think of that my brain does not have the ability to think of at this current moment...
I feel this all the time! I always want to express my feelings, but I'm terrified I won't get the same back, or that he/she will think I am a complete weirdo and never want to spend time with me again!
To be honest, I was really hoping that writing this blog would help me come up with words or ways I could try to explain this feeling that is the very cause of this blog... But I can't. No matter how hard I try!
Maybe that's the beauty of it? Maybe it's one of those things that are meant to be unexplainable... Something that causes your heart to melt, or to smile uncontrollably for half a day afterwards... Or it could be a feeling of pure hatred... It could be anything! But it's just one of those things that can't be explained... It keeps you wondering and guessing... Wondering about how on earth you could begin to explain this phenomenal feeling, or what the other person is thinking... Are they thinking the same as you? The complete opposite perhaps? They could be thinking of a blushing cat with the body of a pop tart that has denied gravity and has rainbows shooting out of it's backside? For those of you going WTF!?!?! I am talking about a newly released YouTube video "Nyan Cat". Search it if you want to watch a cat (as described above) sing a song with one lyric (nyan) for three and a half minutes...
Anyways... Thanks to [Tenuto Tuo], my mind is now spinning with memories of moments, and moments with memories... Trying to work out how I can describe the feelings I felt at that moment... What was the other person thinking? Would I have told them how I felt if I could've? The answer to that last one is probably not... I would hate the idea that I potentially ruined something like that...
Well... I think I have bantered (rather pointlessly) about this for much longer than I think I should have! :P I don't think I will be challenging myself with this kind of topic again... Far too difficult to talk about!
~A symphony's intricacies make it the work of art that is it~
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