Hey guys, I know it's been a while... Uni has been pretty hectic and yeah... This is when I normally would rant to you about what I've done the past couple of months to catch you up; boring you all to death. But this one is gonna be different.
For those who are strangely interested in what I've gotten up too lately; don't worry... I will write a post later on down the track catching you all up (By then having needed to write goodness knows how many months worth... Ooh dear... Short and sweet for that one me thinks); but for now I just want to get some things off of my chest that have been bugging me.
Okay. To start with... I HATE BEING A FEMALE!
...Well that escalated quickly...
No seriously. While a part of me loves the assets being a female gives you, there is a massive part of me that absolutely loathes it.
I mean... Why do we get attached so easily? When it comes to relationships, romantic or not; it's generally us women who fall pretty hard, and the men who just sit back and laugh as we face plant it. Over the past year I have grown as a person. I have turned into this crazy, fun-loving girl (Well... More so than before) who is actually quite outgoing now! As well as becoming a fiercely loyal and protective friend; and it doesn't take me long to get to this point. Watch out if you guys ever be-friend me (Or those who are unfortunate enough to already be in my circle of buddies ;P), because it will not take long for me to have attached myself to you; this relates to both female and male friendships.
Wow... I sound really creepy tonight.
Uhhh. I just mean that if anybody were to even come up and insult you; I will become cartoon style protective. Bristling hair on the back of my neck, a bit of growling, and a thirst for ripping their head off.
...Okay. Maybe not thaaaat bad. But close enough.
Now this new 'trait' of mine has gotten myself into a couple of pickles out here at Uni. One of those cases would relate back to good ol' [Regal Pain]... That fellow roped me in with his snarky ways; but it took me a while to realise that he actually wasn't good for me. At all. He was a competitive bastard who always had to win, no matter what. And his witty comebacks at the time were actually slowly inflicting psychological damage onto me as they were, in effect, insults. He's not a terrible person in a sense... (My 'trait' kicking in here, sadly... Still can't completely shake him off). I honestly think it's more due to the fact he doesn't know how to be friends with a girl... But whatever. He's relatively out of my life now anyways so... Move on [Miss Invisible]!
I guess this leads on to any new friendship I'm forming lately... I feel as though I'm at a very different level to the other person. Where the other person might be like "Oh yeah, she's cool, like whatever"; I'm probably at the "He/she's a pretty awesome friend!"
...
What am I doing? Seriously?!
I'm just worried that I seem to confronting to people I genuinely want to be good friends with... I swear I'm becoming like that Overly Attached Girlfriend meme; just remove the girl. This is sad... Clearly I was meant for great things! Right..? :P
Aaanyways. I'm going to move on to the next topic that is cheesing me off the most at the moment.
Warning: This topic is highly sensitive to the writer right now. Please excuse any profanities that may be thrown around; and apologies in advance for any change in impression anyone may have initially had on this particular writer.
[Carl]. Yes, it's [Carl] again. I'm sorry for any readers who just rolled their eyes. But seriously. Hopefully this is the last time I ever mention his name in this blog because he's apparently told me goodbye, for the last time.
Quick catch up story! [Carl] and I had been talking fine and getting along well for whatever amount of time, before he randomly pops up on Facebook one day saying that I had posted a message on [Riot!]'s wall so many months ago saying: You're the first person I've said 'I love you' too and meant it.
Or at least something along those lines, whatever.
Okay... First off! I do not remember writing that. If I did; I have no fucking idea why I did, to be fair. Cause that is harsh. Sorry if this hurts [Riot!] but it is rather obvious that you were not my first love. It doesn't change anything at all! It's just a fact.
But the fact that [Carl] got all pissy at me like some teenage girl was what got me real cheesed off. I tried reasoning with him calmly however, and he just said "Whatever [Miss Invisible]" aaaand stopped talking to me.
So what? Whatever. I was too pissed off to care at the time.
Half a week ago I received news that my grandfather had passed away. Please, no sympathies or condolences here. For the love of all that's good I've received enough. Not that it's a terrible thing; but, to be fair, I just want to try and put it to the back of my mind until the funeral this Friday, yeah? Moving on again.
After finding this out, I then suffered through what I considered to be relatively close to hell for the next few days. Stressing about exams, grieving, stressing about Uni friend situations, etc etc. I ended up becoming pretty damn sick. In the midst of this, I had the usual cheesy moment of clarity where I was like "Damn... Everyone in my life means so much to me I have to repair anything broken and keep everyone close, blah blah blah"...
So. I sent [Carl] an apology message, briefly explaining my epiphany and somewhat asking if we could make amends; while staying on the fence knowing how unstable his response could be. His response? I'll provide it. Word for word (Grammar errors included for my sadistic amusement).
[Miss Invisible], I've realised that no matter how long it has been, I haven't forgiven you for what you did to me and I don't know if I will. I am happy at the moment and honestly couldn't be happier. I know you are strong and independent and I know you will be able to live without me. I'm sorry about everything that has happened these past few days, I really am but I just have to say goodbye.
Goodbye [Miss Invisible]
Okay... I don't even know where to start on this; because almost every line makes me want to punch him in the face. I'll just go in order of the message, shall I?
You haven't forgiven me..? Are you fucking serious?!?! You? Mister "God's will and way"?! Mister "Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end"?! You are such a fucking hypocrite. I'm not trying to say anything against religion here, because I'm spiritual myself. But for goodness sake! If you really /are/ a Christian; you should bloody well know that God's will is for everyone to forgive each other. Not necessarily forget, but at least forgive. So... You're not even going to try? Or you just don't try? Or maybe you should realise that there might not be anything really to forgive because...
...What I did to you..? What /I/ did?! To you?!?! Oh wow... You clearly have no fucking clue mate. You have no idea the different kinds of hell you put me through in our relationship. Yeah, I didn't point them out when we were together; because I didn't realise what I was being put through until the past couple of months. And you know why? It's because I went through most of our relationship in a lovesick haze. Not really seeing, or knowing what was going on; but trusting you implicitly, and going along with whatever you wanted. It was fucking stupid of me, but what can I say? You caught me when I was vulnerable; and was able to use that to your advantage I guess.
I don't really have anything to say to the happiness line. That's fair enough!
Thanks for telling me shit I already know. Strength and independence is something I've had my whole fucking life! Well... Except for those two-three years when I was with you. And of course I can live without you! That is not going to be difficult, trust me! The difference is whether I wanted to live without you or not. In a sense, I didn't overly mind. It's nice having you in my life; because we did have that small connection where we could tell each other anything & everything with no judgement and whatever. But you know what? I'm pretty sure I've found a replacement for you. And I'm so fucking glad I have! Because I can now stop bloody pining after you just so I can spill my guts out because I can't do it with other people. Thankfully, my University is a pretty damn amazing place. Filled with amazing people. Yeah, I would've liked it if we could have stayed friends as well; cause I generally am a nice person, and I like to keep as many people in my life as possible. Because, believe it or not, everyone I meet means a lot to me. But at the same time. I am so over your shit [Carl]. Over it like you wouldn't believe.
OOOHHH!! And you know the thing that is really putting the cherry on the cake? The fact that you haven't even deleted me as a friend on Facebook. Like. What the fuck? "Goodbye [Miss Invisible]"! ... LOL jokes! I'm gonna stay friends with you so I can post statuses saying things like "So so so happy! :D" just to piss you off that little bit more to set you off the edge and make this blog post! Hmmm... I would delete you myself; but I find your life story much to entertaining to miss to be honest. Can't wait to see the University stories from you buddy; cause at the rate you're going, it's gonna get messy! But hey. I'm no prophet...
Aaand, I really can't say anything about the lines where he's bullshitting about being sorry for everything that's happened to me the past few days (In regards to my grandfather). So yeah...
By the way... [Carl]. If you are, in fact, reading this. Thanks! It brightened my day knowing that I got an extra view on my blog! Oh, and the image of you reading this with a million questions and/or profanities running through your mind brings a smile to my face, I will admit. I really do hope you enjoy your life and make the most of it! Because that's what you should be doing. And please know this... I am perfectly happy living my life without you. I will have a fucking blast in fact! :)
Apologies, readers, if I am seeming incredibly sadistic and cruel tonight; but I'm just letting my fingers type what my mind is blurting. Normally, I repress everything and am a lovely person to meet! But... If you manage to piss me off enough, over a lengthy period of time (Say... One and a half, to two years?); I have to explode at some point! And I do say nasty things... But, in reality, I'm still a massive softy. Sadly...
Well... Now that I've gotten that off my chest! ... I actually can't remember what else was bugging me... Damn. There was something! I know there was! But it's escaped me momentarily.
Regardless. I'm glad to have gotten those two things off of my chest. I really should be trying to not stress as much as possible right now as I have only semi-recovered from this "Mourning Sickness" as I've called it.
/Mourning/ sickness guys. Not morning. Reading words correctly changes everything! ^.^
So yeah! I still have an assignment to hand in sometime within the next day or two; along with heading back home tomorrow, so I can catch a plane to my birth state for the funeral. To which I will be returning back to University by Sunday so I can start studying for two out of my four exams! Yay! ... That reminds me. I really ought to hand in my application for deferment of the first two exams so I can actually be somewhat prepared for them after everything...
Wow! I feel so much better it's insane! :)
Thanks guys for reading this. Tell me your thoughts though? Did this post interest you more or less than my usual rambles about my life? I mean... I do try to talk about other things; but it just never seems to work. I clearly have to be hacked off at something to write about something different nowadays! Who knew? :P
But jokes aside. I would love feedback. Did you like or hate this post? The change from the dreary life story? Should I keep blogging, or should I just drop off the face of the earth? Even if you pick the last option; any feedback is good feedback!
Aaaaand it is now 12:32am. Whoops! ... Thank goodness I can sleep in tomorrow! Benefits of doing absolutely nothing until I recover ^.^
Catch ya later alligators! :)
~Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I wanna slap you in your own face~
For those who are strangely interested in what I've gotten up too lately; don't worry... I will write a post later on down the track catching you all up (By then having needed to write goodness knows how many months worth... Ooh dear... Short and sweet for that one me thinks); but for now I just want to get some things off of my chest that have been bugging me.
Okay. To start with... I HATE BEING A FEMALE!
...Well that escalated quickly...
No seriously. While a part of me loves the assets being a female gives you, there is a massive part of me that absolutely loathes it.
I mean... Why do we get attached so easily? When it comes to relationships, romantic or not; it's generally us women who fall pretty hard, and the men who just sit back and laugh as we face plant it. Over the past year I have grown as a person. I have turned into this crazy, fun-loving girl (Well... More so than before) who is actually quite outgoing now! As well as becoming a fiercely loyal and protective friend; and it doesn't take me long to get to this point. Watch out if you guys ever be-friend me (Or those who are unfortunate enough to already be in my circle of buddies ;P), because it will not take long for me to have attached myself to you; this relates to both female and male friendships.
Wow... I sound really creepy tonight.
Uhhh. I just mean that if anybody were to even come up and insult you; I will become cartoon style protective. Bristling hair on the back of my neck, a bit of growling, and a thirst for ripping their head off.
...Okay. Maybe not thaaaat bad. But close enough.
Now this new 'trait' of mine has gotten myself into a couple of pickles out here at Uni. One of those cases would relate back to good ol' [Regal Pain]... That fellow roped me in with his snarky ways; but it took me a while to realise that he actually wasn't good for me. At all. He was a competitive bastard who always had to win, no matter what. And his witty comebacks at the time were actually slowly inflicting psychological damage onto me as they were, in effect, insults. He's not a terrible person in a sense... (My 'trait' kicking in here, sadly... Still can't completely shake him off). I honestly think it's more due to the fact he doesn't know how to be friends with a girl... But whatever. He's relatively out of my life now anyways so... Move on [Miss Invisible]!
I guess this leads on to any new friendship I'm forming lately... I feel as though I'm at a very different level to the other person. Where the other person might be like "Oh yeah, she's cool, like whatever"; I'm probably at the "He/she's a pretty awesome friend!"
...
What am I doing? Seriously?!
I'm just worried that I seem to confronting to people I genuinely want to be good friends with... I swear I'm becoming like that Overly Attached Girlfriend meme; just remove the girl. This is sad... Clearly I was meant for great things! Right..? :P
Aaanyways. I'm going to move on to the next topic that is cheesing me off the most at the moment.
Warning: This topic is highly sensitive to the writer right now. Please excuse any profanities that may be thrown around; and apologies in advance for any change in impression anyone may have initially had on this particular writer.
[Carl]. Yes, it's [Carl] again. I'm sorry for any readers who just rolled their eyes. But seriously. Hopefully this is the last time I ever mention his name in this blog because he's apparently told me goodbye, for the last time.
Quick catch up story! [Carl] and I had been talking fine and getting along well for whatever amount of time, before he randomly pops up on Facebook one day saying that I had posted a message on [Riot!]'s wall so many months ago saying: You're the first person I've said 'I love you' too and meant it.
Or at least something along those lines, whatever.
Okay... First off! I do not remember writing that. If I did; I have no fucking idea why I did, to be fair. Cause that is harsh. Sorry if this hurts [Riot!] but it is rather obvious that you were not my first love. It doesn't change anything at all! It's just a fact.
But the fact that [Carl] got all pissy at me like some teenage girl was what got me real cheesed off. I tried reasoning with him calmly however, and he just said "Whatever [Miss Invisible]" aaaand stopped talking to me.
So what? Whatever. I was too pissed off to care at the time.
Half a week ago I received news that my grandfather had passed away. Please, no sympathies or condolences here. For the love of all that's good I've received enough. Not that it's a terrible thing; but, to be fair, I just want to try and put it to the back of my mind until the funeral this Friday, yeah? Moving on again.
After finding this out, I then suffered through what I considered to be relatively close to hell for the next few days. Stressing about exams, grieving, stressing about Uni friend situations, etc etc. I ended up becoming pretty damn sick. In the midst of this, I had the usual cheesy moment of clarity where I was like "Damn... Everyone in my life means so much to me I have to repair anything broken and keep everyone close, blah blah blah"...
So. I sent [Carl] an apology message, briefly explaining my epiphany and somewhat asking if we could make amends; while staying on the fence knowing how unstable his response could be. His response? I'll provide it. Word for word (Grammar errors included for my sadistic amusement).
[Miss Invisible], I've realised that no matter how long it has been, I haven't forgiven you for what you did to me and I don't know if I will. I am happy at the moment and honestly couldn't be happier. I know you are strong and independent and I know you will be able to live without me. I'm sorry about everything that has happened these past few days, I really am but I just have to say goodbye.
Goodbye [Miss Invisible]
Okay... I don't even know where to start on this; because almost every line makes me want to punch him in the face. I'll just go in order of the message, shall I?
You haven't forgiven me..? Are you fucking serious?!?! You? Mister "God's will and way"?! Mister "Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end"?! You are such a fucking hypocrite. I'm not trying to say anything against religion here, because I'm spiritual myself. But for goodness sake! If you really /are/ a Christian; you should bloody well know that God's will is for everyone to forgive each other. Not necessarily forget, but at least forgive. So... You're not even going to try? Or you just don't try? Or maybe you should realise that there might not be anything really to forgive because...
...What I did to you..? What /I/ did?! To you?!?! Oh wow... You clearly have no fucking clue mate. You have no idea the different kinds of hell you put me through in our relationship. Yeah, I didn't point them out when we were together; because I didn't realise what I was being put through until the past couple of months. And you know why? It's because I went through most of our relationship in a lovesick haze. Not really seeing, or knowing what was going on; but trusting you implicitly, and going along with whatever you wanted. It was fucking stupid of me, but what can I say? You caught me when I was vulnerable; and was able to use that to your advantage I guess.
I don't really have anything to say to the happiness line. That's fair enough!
Thanks for telling me shit I already know. Strength and independence is something I've had my whole fucking life! Well... Except for those two-three years when I was with you. And of course I can live without you! That is not going to be difficult, trust me! The difference is whether I wanted to live without you or not. In a sense, I didn't overly mind. It's nice having you in my life; because we did have that small connection where we could tell each other anything & everything with no judgement and whatever. But you know what? I'm pretty sure I've found a replacement for you. And I'm so fucking glad I have! Because I can now stop bloody pining after you just so I can spill my guts out because I can't do it with other people. Thankfully, my University is a pretty damn amazing place. Filled with amazing people. Yeah, I would've liked it if we could have stayed friends as well; cause I generally am a nice person, and I like to keep as many people in my life as possible. Because, believe it or not, everyone I meet means a lot to me. But at the same time. I am so over your shit [Carl]. Over it like you wouldn't believe.
OOOHHH!! And you know the thing that is really putting the cherry on the cake? The fact that you haven't even deleted me as a friend on Facebook. Like. What the fuck? "Goodbye [Miss Invisible]"! ... LOL jokes! I'm gonna stay friends with you so I can post statuses saying things like "So so so happy! :D" just to piss you off that little bit more to set you off the edge and make this blog post! Hmmm... I would delete you myself; but I find your life story much to entertaining to miss to be honest. Can't wait to see the University stories from you buddy; cause at the rate you're going, it's gonna get messy! But hey. I'm no prophet...
Aaand, I really can't say anything about the lines where he's bullshitting about being sorry for everything that's happened to me the past few days (In regards to my grandfather). So yeah...
By the way... [Carl]. If you are, in fact, reading this. Thanks! It brightened my day knowing that I got an extra view on my blog! Oh, and the image of you reading this with a million questions and/or profanities running through your mind brings a smile to my face, I will admit. I really do hope you enjoy your life and make the most of it! Because that's what you should be doing. And please know this... I am perfectly happy living my life without you. I will have a fucking blast in fact! :)
Apologies, readers, if I am seeming incredibly sadistic and cruel tonight; but I'm just letting my fingers type what my mind is blurting. Normally, I repress everything and am a lovely person to meet! But... If you manage to piss me off enough, over a lengthy period of time (Say... One and a half, to two years?); I have to explode at some point! And I do say nasty things... But, in reality, I'm still a massive softy. Sadly...
Well... Now that I've gotten that off my chest! ... I actually can't remember what else was bugging me... Damn. There was something! I know there was! But it's escaped me momentarily.
Regardless. I'm glad to have gotten those two things off of my chest. I really should be trying to not stress as much as possible right now as I have only semi-recovered from this "Mourning Sickness" as I've called it.
/Mourning/ sickness guys. Not morning. Reading words correctly changes everything! ^.^
So yeah! I still have an assignment to hand in sometime within the next day or two; along with heading back home tomorrow, so I can catch a plane to my birth state for the funeral. To which I will be returning back to University by Sunday so I can start studying for two out of my four exams! Yay! ... That reminds me. I really ought to hand in my application for deferment of the first two exams so I can actually be somewhat prepared for them after everything...
Wow! I feel so much better it's insane! :)
Thanks guys for reading this. Tell me your thoughts though? Did this post interest you more or less than my usual rambles about my life? I mean... I do try to talk about other things; but it just never seems to work. I clearly have to be hacked off at something to write about something different nowadays! Who knew? :P
But jokes aside. I would love feedback. Did you like or hate this post? The change from the dreary life story? Should I keep blogging, or should I just drop off the face of the earth? Even if you pick the last option; any feedback is good feedback!
Aaaaand it is now 12:32am. Whoops! ... Thank goodness I can sleep in tomorrow! Benefits of doing absolutely nothing until I recover ^.^
Catch ya later alligators! :)
~Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I wanna slap you in your own face~
1 comment:
Wow, Carl really didn't know what you went through. I assume? His animosity and neglectfulness actually angers me....
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