So I left my laptop at home when leaving for university... I have an exam on Friday that I now have to study for in the library, to be able to access all the information I need... Surrounded by people and sounds of clicking and typing and ugh. I don't like it! But I also have other things to talk about, hence this blog post... It's another ranty one (sorry, not sorry) so leave now if not interested.
The last church service I went too (yesterday) has left me more torn and confused than ever. The main message that I got from it was that God has placed dreams and goals on everyone's hearts, in which everything you are should go after them and all that jazz... I've kinda heard it all before, but for some reason it hit me extra hard yesterday and it's making me so incredibly upset.
I've said before how I'm not even sure if studying Wildlife Science is something I should waste three (now four) years of my life doing. I'm almost three quarters of the way now though, so I feel as though I have to keep going to the end. But it's making me bored. Unhappy. But it's also keeping me safe. Safe from a world I could potentially go into, that involves a lot more people watching what I do with less room for mistakes. No hiding in my little room on campus pretending that I know what I'm doing...
Side note: I'll probably be repeating myself from previous blog posts, but it makes it easier for me to write; so y'all can deal.
So my entire life I've always had crazy wild daydreams of me performing songs, or doing covers of them and putting them up on YouTube or things like that. It's always been music based, and the dreams make me happy and passionate. I don't think I've found anything that comes even close to how exhilarated I feel when I imagine myself blasting out a particular song on stage at church, or becoming one of the more well-known YouTube cover artists who people admire and look up too... Knowing that I could make a difference in someone's life through music is something I never thought about until recently, and it actually excites me quite a fair bit.
But here's the catch. I'm my own worst enemy. I am my biggest critic, to the point where I don't like anything I sing anymore. At all. Granted, I haven't been at full health; as well as the fact that I've never had proper training in singing, so I never warm up or treat my voice the way I should. But even when my voice was stronger and better, I never really liked what I did. I was the kid who always wanted a solo at some point, but then hated it when I actually got one; because I would then get nervous and stuff up all the time, and not sound as good as I thought I did in my shower/bedroom on my own.
I had the lead part for my school's musical in my last year there... It was a simple part as a mother and wife, and I got to sing The Call by Regina Spektor. I remember feeling insanely nervous every performance I sang the solo (which was only three times, thank goodness), and I remember one in particular when my throat was incredibly sore... I was so afraid that you could hear it in my voice right before my solo part. Thankfully, the scene was when I had lost my daughter and we were worried about her; so no one in the audience would've noticed. However, I remember throwing [Carl] off, making him temporarily forget his lines when I looked at him with genuine terror.
Not long ago I sang on stage at the church's end of year event for youth, and I remember being just as terrified in that performance. It's not so much having a sore throat that makes it worse, because it's generally me that causes my sore throats by panicking so much. I have no idea how to get over it either! People are always telling me that I have a nice voice, that I sound good, etc. But I always have severe doubts and thoughts that stop me from believing them. My main one is listening to people who are better than me (and there always will be people better than me, so I don't know why I get so affected..?) and just tell myself "what's the point? Why even try when that person is already above anywhere you could ever try to get too".
So, I stay with wildlife... Don't get me wrong, I love animals! They are a smaller passion and love of mine; I absolutely adore them. But when it comes to music? They kind of pale in comparison... But here I am! Two and a half years into a degree that I'm not 100% committed too, which will result in me being absolutely clueless when I actually graduate as to what career I will head into with it...
I just... I still get confused as to what God wants with me. Where He wants me to go, what He wants me to be. Is it music? In which case... Am I ever going to get over all the issues I have related to it? Caused by myself, as well as a few people's comments throughout my life... Or is animals where I belong? Am I wasting time with this degree? Is it worth finishing, so my HECS debt isn't completely for nothing..?
It's not like I can source out singing lessons on the side either, to see if I can maybe train my voice back up to strength and hear what I sound like then... Since I'm at university five days a week, with work and church taking up my weekend; I don't have time to give, nor money as it's all going to uni!
Sorry if this post is confusing, or seemingly pointless. I just really have no idea anymore as to what I'm doing with my life, and it's taking it's toll on my health and outlook on study... I mean, I just had a week of no classes designed purely for study and didn't do it any of those days... My first exam is on Friday, the other two are Monday and Tuesday next week. I have work all day Saturday... It is currently Monday night... I still haven't started! My work ethic is dropping more and more each semester, and it's kinda worrying me; but at the same time, it's still my "safe haven" from the music industry.
I'm just gonna finish there, before I go off on some weird tangent again!
~Is it right, or is it wrong?~
The last church service I went too (yesterday) has left me more torn and confused than ever. The main message that I got from it was that God has placed dreams and goals on everyone's hearts, in which everything you are should go after them and all that jazz... I've kinda heard it all before, but for some reason it hit me extra hard yesterday and it's making me so incredibly upset.
I've said before how I'm not even sure if studying Wildlife Science is something I should waste three (now four) years of my life doing. I'm almost three quarters of the way now though, so I feel as though I have to keep going to the end. But it's making me bored. Unhappy. But it's also keeping me safe. Safe from a world I could potentially go into, that involves a lot more people watching what I do with less room for mistakes. No hiding in my little room on campus pretending that I know what I'm doing...
Side note: I'll probably be repeating myself from previous blog posts, but it makes it easier for me to write; so y'all can deal.
So my entire life I've always had crazy wild daydreams of me performing songs, or doing covers of them and putting them up on YouTube or things like that. It's always been music based, and the dreams make me happy and passionate. I don't think I've found anything that comes even close to how exhilarated I feel when I imagine myself blasting out a particular song on stage at church, or becoming one of the more well-known YouTube cover artists who people admire and look up too... Knowing that I could make a difference in someone's life through music is something I never thought about until recently, and it actually excites me quite a fair bit.
But here's the catch. I'm my own worst enemy. I am my biggest critic, to the point where I don't like anything I sing anymore. At all. Granted, I haven't been at full health; as well as the fact that I've never had proper training in singing, so I never warm up or treat my voice the way I should. But even when my voice was stronger and better, I never really liked what I did. I was the kid who always wanted a solo at some point, but then hated it when I actually got one; because I would then get nervous and stuff up all the time, and not sound as good as I thought I did in my shower/bedroom on my own.
I had the lead part for my school's musical in my last year there... It was a simple part as a mother and wife, and I got to sing The Call by Regina Spektor. I remember feeling insanely nervous every performance I sang the solo (which was only three times, thank goodness), and I remember one in particular when my throat was incredibly sore... I was so afraid that you could hear it in my voice right before my solo part. Thankfully, the scene was when I had lost my daughter and we were worried about her; so no one in the audience would've noticed. However, I remember throwing [Carl] off, making him temporarily forget his lines when I looked at him with genuine terror.
Not long ago I sang on stage at the church's end of year event for youth, and I remember being just as terrified in that performance. It's not so much having a sore throat that makes it worse, because it's generally me that causes my sore throats by panicking so much. I have no idea how to get over it either! People are always telling me that I have a nice voice, that I sound good, etc. But I always have severe doubts and thoughts that stop me from believing them. My main one is listening to people who are better than me (and there always will be people better than me, so I don't know why I get so affected..?) and just tell myself "what's the point? Why even try when that person is already above anywhere you could ever try to get too".
So, I stay with wildlife... Don't get me wrong, I love animals! They are a smaller passion and love of mine; I absolutely adore them. But when it comes to music? They kind of pale in comparison... But here I am! Two and a half years into a degree that I'm not 100% committed too, which will result in me being absolutely clueless when I actually graduate as to what career I will head into with it...
I just... I still get confused as to what God wants with me. Where He wants me to go, what He wants me to be. Is it music? In which case... Am I ever going to get over all the issues I have related to it? Caused by myself, as well as a few people's comments throughout my life... Or is animals where I belong? Am I wasting time with this degree? Is it worth finishing, so my HECS debt isn't completely for nothing..?
It's not like I can source out singing lessons on the side either, to see if I can maybe train my voice back up to strength and hear what I sound like then... Since I'm at university five days a week, with work and church taking up my weekend; I don't have time to give, nor money as it's all going to uni!
Sorry if this post is confusing, or seemingly pointless. I just really have no idea anymore as to what I'm doing with my life, and it's taking it's toll on my health and outlook on study... I mean, I just had a week of no classes designed purely for study and didn't do it any of those days... My first exam is on Friday, the other two are Monday and Tuesday next week. I have work all day Saturday... It is currently Monday night... I still haven't started! My work ethic is dropping more and more each semester, and it's kinda worrying me; but at the same time, it's still my "safe haven" from the music industry.
I'm just gonna finish there, before I go off on some weird tangent again!
~Is it right, or is it wrong?~
