I'm sick. I'm sick of shedding tears. I'm sick of trying to impress people. I'm sick of the "need" to fit in: to be accepted. I'm sick of not being able to be obliviously happy with my relationship due to constant fear lurking on my shoulder. I'm sick of taking out these pent up emotions on my boyfriend because there's nowhere/no one else I feel comfortable doing so.
I said to someone a while back that I would no longer write posts like these... When I'm emotional... But when this is the third, THE THIRD, round of hell that my boyfriend and I have to endure; excuse me this one time please...
Six months... That's how long it lasted. Six months of happiness. I almost got to the point where I thought that we'd passed it. That maybe we can last the rest of our relationship together before something popped up... But who am I kidding?
I'm not saying that I'm not in the wrong at all this time around, because I didn't respect a couple of things and... I don't wish to go into details. But, I can't help but think that it is such a minor issue compared to the major one surrounding it. Involving a lack of trust.
I have parents that raised me to trust until it is broken. So when I see people not trusting say, their own children, it baffles me. Particularly if those children are not children anymore... You'd think age would come with more opportunity/freedom and less boundaries. But I'm just finding that that's not the case at all!
But anyway... All I can think of is just how much I can't stand not being able to truly be myself. Not being able to enjoy my relationship without fear of people going to a pastor and gossiping that we "totally had sex last night" or that his car was at my house past midnight... Oooohhh watch out! A car at a house past midnight must clearly always mean sex guys, remember that. Being on your own for five minutes in a bedroom? Sex. Kissing him in the living room? Sex. Now you all know, be safe yeah? Right....
Even got told recently, by someone clearly making wrong assumptions, that if we "can't control ourselves" that we should just hurry up and get married already. Don't worry about the fact that he doesn't have a job or anything, it'll all work itself out... You have no idea how much this angered me. The thought that someone thinks I'm just a hornbag out to get some! Has it ever occurred to people that [K-Dawg] and I are not doing things like that?! That we are perfectly happy to wait until he has a stable job and can begin supporting us for the potential future?! Just... Why does it always lead to sex with relationships within a church?!?! This may be crazy: but IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THAT! Ugghhh!!!
One day... One day people will just leave us alone to have OUR relationship how we want it. We are the ones involved, not anyone else... One day...
Oh wait. That'll be after marriage. Cause that seems to be the only point where people finally leave you the fuck alone.
~Wake me up from this hell I'm living in~
I said to someone a while back that I would no longer write posts like these... When I'm emotional... But when this is the third, THE THIRD, round of hell that my boyfriend and I have to endure; excuse me this one time please...
Six months... That's how long it lasted. Six months of happiness. I almost got to the point where I thought that we'd passed it. That maybe we can last the rest of our relationship together before something popped up... But who am I kidding?
I'm not saying that I'm not in the wrong at all this time around, because I didn't respect a couple of things and... I don't wish to go into details. But, I can't help but think that it is such a minor issue compared to the major one surrounding it. Involving a lack of trust.
I have parents that raised me to trust until it is broken. So when I see people not trusting say, their own children, it baffles me. Particularly if those children are not children anymore... You'd think age would come with more opportunity/freedom and less boundaries. But I'm just finding that that's not the case at all!
But anyway... All I can think of is just how much I can't stand not being able to truly be myself. Not being able to enjoy my relationship without fear of people going to a pastor and gossiping that we "totally had sex last night" or that his car was at my house past midnight... Oooohhh watch out! A car at a house past midnight must clearly always mean sex guys, remember that. Being on your own for five minutes in a bedroom? Sex. Kissing him in the living room? Sex. Now you all know, be safe yeah? Right....
Even got told recently, by someone clearly making wrong assumptions, that if we "can't control ourselves" that we should just hurry up and get married already. Don't worry about the fact that he doesn't have a job or anything, it'll all work itself out... You have no idea how much this angered me. The thought that someone thinks I'm just a hornbag out to get some! Has it ever occurred to people that [K-Dawg] and I are not doing things like that?! That we are perfectly happy to wait until he has a stable job and can begin supporting us for the potential future?! Just... Why does it always lead to sex with relationships within a church?!?! This may be crazy: but IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THAT! Ugghhh!!!
One day... One day people will just leave us alone to have OUR relationship how we want it. We are the ones involved, not anyone else... One day...
Oh wait. That'll be after marriage. Cause that seems to be the only point where people finally leave you the fuck alone.
~Wake me up from this hell I'm living in~
