Confessions of a Tormented Soul

So I've been stressing... Just a fair bit lately... Over what you ask? Men. Well, specifically one man. And morals... And wondering if it makes me a terrible person and all this jazz... Yeah! Whew. Let's just... Start over, yeah?

So, as I stated in my last post, I have currently began to fall for a guy who's Christian beliefs have my head spinning.

The ridiculous thing is... The /only/ thing potentially stopping us from getting together (apart from the fact that he most likely does not return these feelings) is the fact that he believes in no sex until marriage; and I don't know how I'd deal with that.

Honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm somewhat disgusted with myself that that is all that is literally stopping me... It seems so selfish. So... Whore-ish, to an extent. Can I help it?! Of course I can! It'll just be difficult. I lost my virginity at a time when I thought I was ready, but clearly wasn't... And... It's hard to explain without going into what some people may feel uncomfortable reading about... But it basically comes down to hormones. Once you've had even a taste of something, you can't help but want to go back for more. It's truly irritating.

Currently? All I want are cuddles. No joke... I miss being cuddled so much! I mean, let's face it... The entirety of last year I spent practically alone. I had a boyfriend; yet received barely any form of affection. I ended up resorting to cuddling up with a guy friend once or twice just to appease me. I felt guilty as I did have a boyfriend; but at the same time, all we did was cuddle! And I had been deprived from my own boyfriend to the point where I just gave in...

I just want to hold hands with someone while walking down the street... Be able to lean on them and have them drape their arm around me... Cuddles, small kisses, being stupid... That's all I really want right now! Yes, I know my hormones will eventually come back into action and want more; but I can repress that a lot easier than I can repress the cravings for just pure, simple affection.

So yeah! That's my life currently. Stressing over this one guy, and how ridiculous I'm being. He's a great guy! Am I seriously gonna give up the opportunity over a frickin' hormone problem? Or is it something else..? I don't know! And that's what's currently driving me insane. Insane to the point that I'm now writing this blog post! Insane to the point where you are probably reading this going "What the heck? [Miss Invisible] has truly gone off the rails this time!"

No m' dears... That was a long time ago ;)

But seriously. I barely know what to think anymore; apart from the fact that I should stop falling for guys that cause me stress! :P

Random side note: I got an e-mail today from a lady from my Uni who has recently been in correspondence with a guy who works with Australia's Got Talent saying that he would like to see myself (along with a few others) audition for it this year. For those who don't know what that is, Google that shit!

Now... He didn't say me personally, obviously. He meant people who had entered in Gatton's Got Talent (a very minor, fun version of AGT); but the fact remains... I mean, I entered GGT with the Gatton Campus Choir which earned us second place... I didn't enter it solo. Yet, when I checked the e-mail list; I was the only one from the choir they had contacted. Now... Whether that's because some of the members aren't students, or if they only knew mine and are expecting me to contact the rest of the choir, or whether she was really just after me... I don't know... But I know for a fact (no offence guys) that the choir would not make it. We're too rough around the edges, members are coming & going all the time, and we all have our own lives meaning we all wouldn't be available to devote time to the competition.

Regardless. This e-mail has me stressing like crazy. I feel as though my voice is nowhere near good enough. The amount of sore throats I have had, and how I would continue singing through it anyway... I have never properly trained myself... My voice is incredibly raw and sounds terrible whenever in front of other people. On my own? I tolerate it. In a bathroom? It sounds awesome! Though that's cause of the acoustics, not my actual voice. And besides... In AGT you have to improve each week on your own accord. /I/ would have to think of better songs to sing each week... Finding a way to improve... I can't do that! Picking an audition song will be enough to hospitalise me for a week, let alone finding more... And improving? HA! Doubtful... You see? This is my brain in stress mode. I can't even comprehend things. I just ramble endlessly. Hopelessly. I get nowhere. What does it get me? Nothing. Where would I get with AGT? Nowhere.

I'm not good enough. Enough said. I can't do it... Besides... I have Uni work... Right? RIGHT!?

...Okay. It's time to go before I truly send myself over the edge.

Thanks for putting up with this pathetic excuse for a post; and I hope to still catch y'all later with a more light-hearted, stress-free one in the future, yeah?

~Mind's playin' tricks on me. I'm paranoid homie. Nobody knows what I'm goin' through, oh I'm so lonely! I know I'm losing it, I'm hearing whispering...~

Cue Emotions!

Hiya guys! It's been a while (As usual... The day when I start actually writing blog posts more frequently is gonna come sometime in the future I'm sure... Yeahhh... *Shifty eyes*) and plenty of stuff has happened, so let's get straight into it!

I left you the day before Christmas Eve, did I not? Well, yes... As I explained in the last post; I did spend it with at the beautiful [Dancer]'s house, with her family and friend... The friend was a first as it is usually just our two families, but I didn't overly mind in the end; as it was still a good night! I gave her a journal for a present, and she gave me nada... Typical! No, I'm joking. She's planning on getting me a souvenir from Western Australia which she is spending the next six months in.

Then it was Christmas! Wow.. Just realised how long it's been since I last blogged, cause Xmas felt like ages away... Yikes... So I spent it with family (well the first half anyway...) opening presents. From memory I got a radio flashlight (oh Mum, how you entertain me!), a Celtic Thunder CD (cue fangirling), the usual lotion-y girly stuff and... I can't really remember anything else. I didn't get a lot this year; but considering I have a car and everything, I wasn't expecting anything either :)
Oh, I do remember Mum throwing a matching bra and underwear set at me the next day saying she forgot to wrap it and it was meant for Xmas... Boy that was entertaining! She did the same with a learning Italian CD thing the day after that as well... So yeah... Gotta love Momsie ;)

I love the little traditions with my family Christmas... The sister came into my room in the morning with this annoying hat on her head that sings a Christmas jingle and dances, then we head down and open presents. Then we tend to chill until about 11ish when Mum and Dad then make prawn cocktails for the three of us (as the siblings don't like it); and if you haven't had them... OH MY GOSH, YOU HAVE NOT LIVED! ... Hehe.
We then have our massive Xmas lunch/dinner at about 3pm where we hit each other with crackers before opening them, wearing the hats and reading the lame jokes and laughing over them even if they're not that funny... Yeah... Christmas is always pretty good! :)

Gonna move onto Boxing Day now... Went to a local park with a [Phantomess], [Clearly Unfocused], and [Sasquatch] where we mostly just chilled and I asked the girls if they wanted to go to a club with me that night for a high school friend's 19th. They jumped on the chance as it was gonna be all of ours first time actually clubbing (I don't count the Uni club... With good reason! The club there is completely different to the ones in the city!).

So, we got dressed up and headed out! Only to find that we were slightly overdressed.... Awkward... It wasn't that we were flashy or anything; it was just that it was a student-focused club, and most of the girls there were wearing short shorts and singlet tops, and we were wearing nice dresses... Hmm... Still ended up being a good night!

A guy asked to have a dance off with me, and attempted to partner dance with me... Yeah no buddy... No... We got free orange juice (seeing as [Phantomess] and I had to drive home we couldn't drink); and managed to convince [Clearly Unfocused] to have her first ever drink! :') So proud... Also saw another high school friend drunk off his face on his first time clubbing... Wow, that was an interesting side of him! Him and I ended up doing the craziest of waltz's, along with him singing One Direction lyrics in my ear saying that he wrote them for me, even though Ed Sheeran actually did. It was kind of adorable, I will admit. He may have snuck in a kiss while the girls were out of the room, but we're very unlikely to get together.
I mean... I had a crush on him a couple of years back, when I wasn't who I am now and he had a girlfriend and all this jazz... But now that I know what kind of girl I've become and know what I like in guys; he doesn't fit the mould anymore! Which makes me feel terrible, cause he's a really nice guy... But I just don't think things would work out with us in the long run.

We also met a couple of really great guys! [Phantomess] seemed to take to one of them particularly well... ;) *Cough cough* SCEEBES!
Apologies for those who didn't understand that last word... Let's just say it's the shipping name [Clearly Unfocused] and I came up with for [Phantomess] and the guy at the club. Hehe.

Moving on to the 27th... Waking up at 8am to let the girls out of the house as they had stayed the night, then crashing again until about 11am... Vegged out for most of the day until about 5pm when I headed over to good ol' Subway where I met up with my co-workers for our Laser Tag work party. Before we left we had to come up with names for our membership cards, and they had to be Subway related. From memory the names that were come up with were:
DaBoss <- Guess who that was!
Large Tuna
Dat Footlong
Double Choc
The Sanitizer
Salami
And Herbie - Which was mine.

So yeah, the night was good fun! There were these kids that were frickin' annoying cause they clearly went often and were good, but would keep shooting you; even if you were dead... And would follow after you and everything. Ugh! Wanted to give them a good kick up the backside sometimes... And a group of Asian guys came in at one point dressed in wigs and drag, and were running around like crazy. They were kind of entertaining. Especially this one guy that would make the most ridiculous scream when anyone came near then broke into this hilarious laughter...

BIRTHDAY TIMEZ!

So yeah, the next day was my 19th birthday! CELEBRATE! I don't care if it's been half a month since... Celebrate dammit!

*Ahem* So my parents bought us yearly passes to Dreamworld and White Water World so we left at about midday... We went around this years Big Brother house, and got in line for my favourite ride of all time: River Rapids, when what happened? It stormed! Yep. We were in line for half an hour, were quite close to the front, and it started storming! Shutting down the ride. We didn't see the point in leaving the line as all the rides were shut down at this point in time, so we got comfortable. The sister and I mostly listened to my iPod and seemed to provide entertainment for the random kids next to us by singing and doing lame as dance moves to the music... This went on for an hour and a half until the storm was over and we were free to go on the ride! It was still raining however so we were pretty soaked through by the time we got off the ride :P

We left the theme park for me to then be dropped off at [Dancer]'s place. I begged her for a change of dry clothes, then we headed over to one of the guy's place that we hung out with on the spider's web that night for a BBQ. [K-Dawg] shall be his name, and I had fun! Sure, it was how I initially was planning on spending my birthday... But dancing along to Gangnam Style, Chicken Dance, Macarena, etc... Plus hanging out with a bunch of cool people, was fun!

I don't really remember doing much on the 29th... Apart from hobbling around the house like an old woman due to my muscles screaming at me from Laser Tag, Dreamworld and dancing... Yikes that wasn't fun! :P

I spent the 30th completing internet modules for Subway. These were compulsory and I would not have gotten any more shifts until they were done... Luckily I've been working there long enough I knew most of the answers anyway, so for every single one I would skip straight to the quiz then keep re-trying until I passed. Wasn't overly difficult really!

New Years Eve I was back at Dreamworld with [Bestiality] patting tigers and being dragged onto all the major thrill rides. I've only recently gotten into thrill and adrenalin of that intensity, but I was still enjoying myself. That is.. Until she got me on the Buzzsaw. For those who don't know, look up Buzzsaw, Dreamworld, Australia and you'll get an inkling of an idea of what it's like. It's truly terrifying. I was in the seat hyperventilating and cursing... My sister and [Bestiality] sat in the front two seats, and I was behind next to a random guy who I immediately turned too and apologised in advance cause he was unfortunate to be seated next to me; the hyperventilating drama queen who was dragged on this ride.
Getting off the ride? Hair a mess, jelly legs, and stuttering... That ride was somewhat fun, but so intense! It's one of those rides I have to either adjust too, or just go on not as often as other thrill rides...
But yeah! I also got to pat a tiger cub, and received a belated birthday present from the dear fiancee; which was a rug with lions on it, so ASDFGHJKL! Love <3

I then headed over to [GoJo]'s place where we set up camp to spend the night and celebrate the coming of 2013!

We ([GoJo], [Clearly Unfocused], [GoJo]'s boyfriend, and girl friend) played the Wii U, ate pizza and chips, went swimming, and just had a good time overall! We complained about how the countdown and fireworks were done on the TV, and spent the first couple of hours of 2013 channel flicking. Laughter and many "what the..?"'s were shared as we saw what was being aired.

The next morning we awoke quite sleepily and each made our way home; only to be headed out again a few hours later to meet up at the cinema (take away [GoJo]'s boyfriend and girl friend, and add in [Phantomess]) to go see Les Miserables.

Oh my goodness... THE FEELS IN THAT MOVIE! I have never felt so emotional and attached to a movie so much in my life. Being the massive musical fan that I am... To have an emotion-fueled musical on the big screen, having incredible actors play the characters and multiple close up shots of their faces when they're singing passionately and emotionally... Asdfghjkl. It's almost too much to bear! At least on the Broadway stage you can't see their faces as well... On the big screen? Completely different story!

The next day was spent on the tennis courts playing tennis with [K-Dawg], [Dancer], and a couple of other friendly folk. I love playing tennis with these guys cause [K-Dawg] is amazingly terrible at it, and has a tendency to hit the balls over the fence ;P I admit that I do too, but that's just cause I put too much power into my shots and hit too high... But it's still much less often than him, hehe.

On that following Saturday I had a work shift with [Boltin']. He was fairly hungover and had the after effects of being high off of one inhale of weed from the night before... Turns out he's allergic to the stuff! Well, at least I can be safe in the knowledge that he won't touch it again! But it still irked me that he would come to work in such a state... To be fair, I was a bit of an emotional wreck myself at the time... I was confused about how to feel with [Boltin'] as well as I think just extra stress coming on from my Asperger's... I think it was wanting to come out and play, but I was repressing it. Difficult as it is, I did it; but the emotional side effects aren't much better. And it all just means it'll come back sooner or later...

Regardless... What I really want to talk about is how I'm feeling about guys at the moment; cause it's frustrating me.

I still am rather fond of [Boltin']... But it's hurting me doing so. I think it's because he's somewhat of a 'bad boy' personality, but still really funny; and I know that he is actually incredibly loyal to his girl when he has one... But, he's a shy guy that doesn't like making the first move... Meaning the girl has to make the first move... And I'm not one of those girls! I can't stand making the first move! I've always believed it's the guy to be the first for everything. First kiss. First admittance of 'I love you'. The one to propose, etc etc.
Now, cause he's so shy in that sense... I can't tell if he doesn't want to talk to me over Facebook/texting, or if he's kinda like me... Never really initiates conversations with people, but will happily partake in one that's been started. But this drives me nuts! Cause I hate always initiating conversations, cause I then feel like I'm being annoying...
There is this other guy I've been spending time with lately who I am slowly growing affections for... But it's also confusing there as well, but for a different reason. Morals and values...

See... This guy is a Christian. I believe in God, but... Not in the same way that this guy does. He'd be one of those "no sex until marriage", church-attending, hardcore-ish believer... I lost my virginity before I found God; and I just can't believe in that same idea of no sex until marriage... Sex is making love to the person you are really attached too... For me, I don't see what's wrong with going to that level with someone if you love them; no matter whether you're married or not... And as for the church thing? I just don't do that... I believe in Him, I talk to Him; but I do it in my own time, when and where I want... I don't know what it is with churches, but I'm just not an overall fan. Oh! And shocker fact... This guy is /older/ than me. Yep! Crazy right? Who woulda thought! :P

So yeah... Two guys! The 'bad boy' and the 'Christian'. Polar opposites almost! But both really nice, funny, down-to-earth guys... Oh [Miss Invisible]... You are truly hopeless... My friends are so right when they say that my life is like a soap opera... But hey! If it wasn't, I wouldn't have anything interesting to write about here, yeah? :P

So... Not much else has happened really. Gone shopping with the sister, and met up with [K-Dawg] and members of the crew multiple times; watching movies, or hanging around a local park until 3-4am in the morning...

Tomorrow (Actually today seeing as it's almost 2am) I have another shift with [Boltin']... Hopefully we don't screw this one up! Oh yeah... I didn't tell you guys earlier... But that shift where he was hungover, and I was emotionally strained? The next day our co-worker raged over the work Facebook...

"Fun times when you come into work and have to finish the close as well as open! What are some people getting paid for?? To laze around and then maybe lock up after doing nothing?? This is going to be the worst day ever... Thanx."

Whoops... And when I thought over what I could have missed..? Yeah... They were major MAJOR things that would have screwed her over big time... I felt so horrible, and terrified! I love this job to pieces because of the people I work with there and everything; so the last thing I wanted was to get fired or anything... I know that was unlikely to happen, but when my emotions kick in, there's no logic reasoning! So yeah... I was stressing like nothing else for a couple of days until the boss texted me basically saying she was disappointed in me as I was the one in charge etc etc... It wasn't as bad as I expected, so I was somewhat relieved... But I don't think I'll truly be as relaxed at work as I used to be anymore... Especially tonight. I'll probably be a wreck, making sure nothing is missed...

Random fact: Valentine's Day is coming up soon! Yeah.. I'm lame and whatever... But for some reason, the 14th of February is freaking me out this year... I guess it's cause it's the first one in a long time that I'll be single... And I can already feel the forever alone feels coming on! :P Naaa... A part of me actually really wants to give someone a Valentine, but as a secret admirer. I haven't thought of who, or what they're getting. I just want to do that. Cause I never have before! And let's face it... I'm a lame person who had a deprived childhood and is not trying to make up for it in her young adulthood cause she has the freedom to do so! ;P

So, errr, yeah... Now that I've shared that embarrassing fact I should probably end this essay here and apologise for it's length... But hey! I had heaps to catch up on!!! I'm fairly sure I've forgotten a few things I was meaning to mention, but that tends to happen all the time anyway! Whoops.. Hehe...

OH! I remembered! [K-Dawg] and I discovered that The Lion King Musical is coming to Australia in December!!! So we're getting pretty damn keen, and hopefully plan on going to see it together; possibly with a couple of other groupies as well ;P Whether it's going to a road trip, or flights; we're not sure yet... But we've got a fair while to work it out anyways, so not stressing over it at the moment. Just majorly fangirling and getting emotional over the fact that it's so far away... Yes... I am a sad, sad person!

Anyways... I should really be sending myself off to bed so I can at least try to get through work later!!! :P Then again... It's my fault for deciding to begin writing the blog at midnight after just coming home from work... Oh, I make such good decisions! ;D

Leave me be readers! Geeee!!!

...

Ciao!

~Can I just have one more moon dance with you?~